January 5th, 1997

The New Year comes and goes and is noticed except for the fact that it gives another chance to make merry. Forgive me if I sound pessimistic, but that is the way I see it. I have heard nothing about resolutions for the upcoming year yet. Those I was with on New Year's Eve did not touch upon that subject even once. Even though it is foolish to think that by making a resolution one day the other three hundred and sixty four will be affected, it is a worthwhile intention.

I have been thinking about the past year and what I really want to do for the new year ever since the passing of that one day. In fact, I've spent a fair amount of time deliberating over it, and how to firm up my resolve to carry throughout the year. The second part was the most important, and it is because of that latter intention that I am writing this. I am going to return to this page throughout the year, that I might sharpen my resolve as the days wear upon me and time numbs my mind.

Last night I had a dream, it was rather an ordinary dream, but held a great deal of meaning for me. In this dream I lived in an apartment. The place was very dark for no lights were on, but it must have been a clear night out because my eyes were adapted to the faint levels. I was coming downstairs one evening when the doorbell rang. I wondered who in the world would be coming to my place at this time of night. This thought was immediately followed by a premonition of someone who meant me harm.

Nevertheless, I did open the door. There was a tall man standing outside, he reminded me of one of my training partners but I knew he wasn't. He asked me if he could come inside because it was raining and very cold outside. This was said in a demanding voice rather then a more penitent one, I knew he was just trying to get access to my home. I looked at him and said no, then I closed the door.

Without hesitation, the doorbell rang again. So I opened the door and he again stressed the temperature and asked for entry. I told him to put on a sweater and move on then closed the door.

I moved away from the door and grabbed the first thing that came easily into my hands. I prepared myself to make war with this man for the lock on the door was old and did not work well if it even did at all. I had not even bothered to try messing with it.

As I waited in this darkened room I thought of my training in self-defense. Even though I have studied a fair deal and accumulated much knowledge, I didn't have the practice and experience which would make the knowledge one with my body, that I might use it efficiently. I felt woefully inadequate to the circumstances, even though I was waiting for a strike I knew would eventually come.

As I was thinking all this I heard laughter coming from darkened rooms down the hall. My next thought was of his accomplices coming in the side door while he occupied my attention. The game was now stacked in their favor. They had numbers on me, my vantage point was useless, there was no guarantee one of them would even be coming in through the front door. I felt trapped, like a mouse wanting to run somewhere but not knowing where it would be safe. This was now a very serious situation and I was woefully unprepared for it.

I awoke from this dream into a thoughtful reality. If a situation like this really happened, would I be any more prepared? No, I wouldn't. Academic study is never enough. Either you devote time and energy to practical applications and multitudes of realistic simulations or don't even bother. You will be fooling yourself.

So here I sit writing, for this is the concept of my resolution. To do, not to think about doing. In my martial training, in my various studies, in my various hobbies. The best knowledge is often acquired because of a mistake made, for that knowledge is what you have taken from a `real' situation and the result of a `real' action. Thinking about it logically it is therefore `real' knowledge, not just what someone has tried to tell you.

It is seven o'clock, for the first time in many months I am going to witness the rise of a new day.