AVANT SOUL

If my sadness were any deeper I could rent a little boat and take it out on the lake. Casting out my lines of the day, I'd haul up my daily catch.

     "I'm Walter, and I'll be your waiter tonight."
     "Go away."

     "Tonight, sir, we have a lovely trout Almondine. It is poached in brandied butter and served in a sauce of bruised friendships."

     "Is it farm raised, Walter?"
     "Absolutely not."
     "Is it force-fed with a gruel of chemicals and vitamin-enriched post industrial waste?"
     "Sir, these trout came from your lake of sadness, and they are organic."

     "Organic? I weary of trout. What else is on the menu?"

     "We have calamari -- fried squid -- with a turmeric-enriched shallot raspberry vinaigrette mustard sauce, reduced in expectations. The tentacles are still a bit tough."

     "Reduced expectations."
     "Slow simmered, and so very chewy."

     "Walter, surely I play a part in these tentacles. I weary of diminished relationships slaughtered like unsatisfying squid."

     "Certainly sir, it is your lake upon which you sail. There's still a surprising amount of suction in these dead babies. Your investment in your own expectations is inordinately high."
     "Silly me."

A fleeting vision of my ex appeared, drowned beneath the waves of my outbursts. I glanced about my familiar belongings, laden with memories which seemed so valuable. There was a time when I was astonished that I could be kept afloat and made buoyant -- even resilient -- by bodies as wet as water, as deep as emotions.

I was one lone boat adrift upon a large manmade lake of sadness.

     "What do you recommend from the menu, Walter?"
     "Lovely tuna, just caught today, and it no longer reeks of sorrow. It's being sung just this instant by the young mermaid you set free from the dolphin nets."

     "I remember!" A melody of hope appeared in my imagination as I recalled the sequence of sounds which summoned the mermaid who had been teaching me, gently, to remain in better tune. I clambered down upon my knees to pray.  Sweet Jesus, I am so grateful I haven't throttled this mermaid like the last three, who were sliced into sushi-size pieces by the razor sharp blades of impatience from my boat's electric motor...

     ...Thy will be done. Amen.

I turned off the motor. Going so fast around the lake only created choppy waves which left colorful streaks of motor oil upon its waters, glistening in the sun, casting hideous reflections of brilliant rainbow colors.

     "The tuna is very high in EFA -- essential fatty acids -- and has been tested to be without measurable amounts of mercury or arsenic down to subatomic particles."
     "That's immensely reassuring."

     "Sir, have you repaired the holes in your sail? The wind is rising and a storm is dead ahead."