How to Teach Badly

In the breath of such sage reflection, I remind or simply tell the reader: As people who watch Star Trek know beyond reasonable doubts, alternate universes exist everywhere that they don't think them to be, filled with their physical, yet altered-ego counterparts. This essay, written for those counterparts, will fill them with appreciation of astronomical filling. In terms of this essay being an elevator, it goes all the way to the top! Let me begin with a great example.

The Great Example of Mr. Wackford Squeers

I want to begin with examples of masters. They, the great meat of success, define what others could only dream of becoming. I'll set the stage with words from that even-more-serious-than-Twain Dickens:

Of the monstrous neglect of education in England,...private schools long afforded a notable example....Any man who had proved his unfitness for any other occupation in life, was free, without examination or qualification, to open a school anywhere. (Dickens,1838, 1839/1983, p. xxi)

Happily, for the sake of addressing this essay's important title,

Schoolmasters, as a race, were...blockheads and imposters...Yorkshire schoolmasters were the lowest and most rotten round in the whole ladder[:] ignorant, sordid, brutal men, to whom few considerate persons would have entrusted the board and lodging of a horse or a dog; they formed the worthy cornerstone of a structure...rarely... exceeded in the world. (Dickens,1838, 1839/1983,p. xxi)

Dickens the great dairy farmer of all time gives us cream of all creamy things: Mr. Wackford Squeers. Disregard the rhyme with tears. This man of stature pristine

had but one eye, and the popular prejudice runs in favour of two. The eye he had was unquestionably useful, but decidedly not ornamental: being of a greenish grey, and in shape resembling the fan-light of a street door. The blank side of his face was much wrinkled and puckered up, which gave him a very sinister appearance, especially when he smiled, at which times his expression bordered closely on the villainous. His hair was very flat and shiny, save at the ends, where it was brushed stiffly up from a low protruding forehead, which assorted well with his harsh voice and coarse manner. He was about two or three and fifty, and a trifle below the middle size; he wore a white neckerchief with long ends, and a suit of scholastic black; but his coat sleeves being a great deal too long, and his trousers a great deal too short, he appeared ill at ease in his clothes, and as if he were in a perpetual state of astonishment at finding himself so respectable. (Dickens,1838, 1839/1983, p. 31)

Doubtless you're itchy to see this master of his craft in action. Perhaps you're excited to read the words penned by such a great explainer of bad examples as Charles Dickens. How he wrote about fathers who neglected their children and wives, polygamy not therein! How he neglected his own wife and children, writing, writing, reciting, and acting in and directing plays! He knew a bad example and all it stood for as largely as Mr. Pickwick's belly stood for largeness.

Mr. Squeers looked at the little boy to see whether he was doing anything he could beat him for. As he happened not to be doing anything at all, he merely boxed his ears, and told him not to do it again. (Dickens,1838, 1839/1983,p. 32)

Later, after further abuse,

The little boy screwed a couple of knuckles into each of his eyes and began to cry, wherefore Mr. Squeers knocked him off the trunk with a blow on one side of his face, and knocked him on again with a blow on the other. (Dickens,1838, 1839/1983,p. 32)

What an extraordinary example! But just as Nicholas Nickleby has its Wackford, Hard Times has its Thomas.

The Wonderful Mr. Thomas Gradgrind (Another Great Example)

Wackford may take the prize for passion, but Thomas, Mr. Thomas Gradgrind, deserves the prize for mathematical exactitude. A man after rulers and intersecting lines, he reminded all who needed reminding--and so many do!--about the fundamentals of education:

What I want is Facts. Teach these boys and girls nothing but Facts. Facts alone are wanted in life. Plant nothing else, and root out everything else. You can only form the minds of reasoning animals upon Facts: nothing else will ever be of any service to them. This is the principle on which I bring up my own children, and this is the principle on which I bring up these children. Stick to the Facts, sir! (Dickens, 1854/1981, p. 1)

Unencumbered by nuisance rhetoric, complaint, and unlettered mouths of argument, Mr. Gradgrind speaks with that grand sort of authority that swayed the French, swayed the Germans, and swayed the Babylonians too.

Thomas Gradgrind, sir. A man of realities. A man of facts and calculations. A man who proceeds upon the principle that two and two are four, and nothing over, and who is not to be talked into allowing for anything over....Thomas Gradgrind. With a rule and a pair of scales and the multiplication table always in his pocket, sir, ready to weigh and measure any parcel of human nature, and tell you exactly what it comes to. It is a mere question of figures, a case of simple arithmetic. (Dickens, 1854/1981, p. 2)

He taught without the ooze of nonsense, without the insensible mutterings of brains bouncing about in confounded imaginings. He taught, and by that I mean that he truly taught the "little pitchers before him, who were to be filled so full of facts" (Dickens, 1854/1981p. 2). How that reminds me of the formalistic system that choked, I mean nourished, me! That system glorified the "full pitcher-empty cup" (Barman & Sutherland, 1995, p. 412) method of teaching. The child was the "empty" cup, the curriculum the water, and the teacher the one that poured--often through "the lecture method" (Patrick, 2000, p. 13; also see Lukiv, 2001).

Does Gradgrind's philosophical premise truly warrant our attention? Who could answer but yes when confronted with such outstanding examples as this?:

"Bitzer," said Thomas Gradgrind. "Your definition of a horse."

"Quadruped. Graminivorous. Forty teeth, namely, twenty-four grinders, four eye-teeth, and twelve incisive. Sheds coat in the spring; in marshy countries, sheds hoofs, too. Hoofs hard, but requiring to be shod with iron. Age known by marks in mouth."(Dickens, 1854/1981, p. 4)

Need I say more. A protegé for a mentor. Herein this wonderful 1854 example lies a model for us to apply all these years later in 2002. And here is another model.

The Fiery, but Effective, Mr. Creakle (yet Another Great Example)

In my exquisite quest to locate the teacher extraordinaire, I discover Salem House, the residential school of David Copperfield, who in first person expertly describes the schoolroom

as the most forlorn and desolate place I had ever seen. I see it now. A long room with three long rows of desks, and six of forms, and bristling all round with pegs for hats and slates. Scraps of old copy-books and exercises litter the dirty floor. Some silkworms' houses, made of the same materials, are scattered over the desks. Two miserable little white mice, left behind by their owner, are running up and down a fusty castle made of pasteboard and wire, looking in all the corners with their red eyes for anything to eat. A bird, in a cage very little bigger than himself, makes a mournful rattle now and then in hopping on his perch, two inches high, or dropping from it; but neither sings nor chirps. There is a strange unwholesome smell upon the room, like mildewed corduroys, sweet apples wanting air, and rotten books. There could not well be more ink splashed about it, if it had been roofless from its first construction, and the skies had rained, snowed, hailed, and blown ink through the varying seasons of the year. (Dickens, 1850/1985, pp. 129-130)

What a glorious setting for Mr. Creakle, a former hop-dealer turned proprietor of Salem House, to train his mind and heart for educating all the young and stupid.

Mr. Creakle's face was fiery, and his eyes were small, and deep in his head; he had thick veins in his forehead, a little nose, and a large chin. He was bald on the top of his head; and had some thin wet-looking hair that was just turning grey, brushed across each temple, so that the two sides interlaced on his forehead. But the circumstance about him which impressed me most, was, that he had no voice, but spoke in a whisper. The exertion this cost him, or the consciousness of talking in that feeble way, made his angry face so much more angry, and his thick veins so much thicker, when he spoke, that I am not surprised, on looking back, at this peculiarity striking me as his chief one. (Dickens, 1850/1985, p. 134)

This genius of single-minded thinking and prudent discipline entered as a man of quality should enter any room:

A profound impression was made upon me, I remember, by the roar of voices in the schoolroom suddenly becoming hushed as death when Mr. Creakle entered after breakfast, and stood in the doorway looking round upon us like a giant in a story-book surveying his captives. (Dickens, 1850/1985, p. 140)

He wasted no time informing the students about the proper, efficient road to a valuable education:

"Now, boys, this is a new half [semester]. Take care what you're about, in this new half. Come fresh up to the lessons, I advise you, for I come fresh up to the punishment. I won't flinch. It will be of no use your rubbing yourselves; you won't rub the marks out that I shall give you. Now get to work, every boy!"...

Half the establishment was writhing and crying, before the day's work began; and how much of it had writhed and cried before the day's work was over, I am really afraid to recollect, lest I should seem to exaggerate.

I should think there never can have been a man who enjoyed his profession more than Mr. Creakle did. He had a delight in cutting at the boys, which was like the satisfaction of a craving appetite. (Dickens, 1850/1985, p. 141)

Exceptional. Notice the lack of neuro-space for creative thought? I applaud Mr. Creakle.

But disregard for creativity in students could reach new heights of achievement through direction from one of the last century's greatest minds, although his brain contained about the same mass of grey things as other men's brains. Isaac Asimov, scientist, Nobel Prize recipient, and author of too many books worth reading, presents the value of mechanical teachers--robots, I think--like no other flesh and blood has.

Mechanical Teachers--What a Splendid Idea

In the year 2155, Eleven-year-old Margie always hated school, but now she hated it more than ever. The mechanical teacher had been giving her test after test in geography and she had been doing worse and worse until her mother had shaken her head sorrowfully and sent for the County Inspector....

The Inspector had smiled after he was finished and patted her head. He said to her mother, "It's not the little girl's fault, Mrs. Jones. I think the geography sector was geared a little too quick. Those things happen sometimes. I've slowed it up to an average ten-year level. Actually, the over-all pattern of her progress is quite satisfactory." And he patted Margie's head again.

Margie was disappointed. She had been hoping they would take the teacher away altogether. (Asimov, 1975, p. 123).

The beauty of robots, of course, is in their placement. Put them where you like.

Margie went into the schoolroom. It was right next to her bedroom, and the mechanical teacher was on and waiting for her. It was always on at the same time every day except Saturday and Sunday, because her mother said little girls learned better if they learned at regular hours.

The screen was lit up, and it said: "Today's arithmetic lesson is on the addition of proper fractions. Please insert yesterday's homework in the proper slot.

Margie did so with a sigh. (p. 125)

I cannot fully describe the excitement I feel from these accounts. I feel a breath of fresh air in my lungs, enriched haemoglobin in my blood, neurotransmission off the scale. I cannot stop the momentum of my learning how to teach badly. Consider the goal of completely misunderstanding children. Consider the private nurse of five-year-old Tommy, who is playing in his nursery.

The Value of Misunderstanding Children

Tommy had invited little Jenny over to play. Nurse brought her in. Tommy and Jenny gazed at each other for some minutes with sparkling eyes. Neither smiled, but it seemed that both were about to smile.

Tom...ran round the table, sat down on the floor and began to play with a clockwork engine on a circular track. The little girl climbed on a tricycle and pedalled round the floor. "I can ride your bike," she said.

Tom paid no attention. He was trying how fast the engine could go without falling off the track.

The little girl took a picture book, sat down under the table with her back to Tom, and slowly, carefully, examined each page. (Cary, 1951/1966, p. 129)

My joy for this example can now fully come to life: The nurse comes in and misinterprets the situation in a gloriously complete sense; she chastises Tommy for not playing with Jenny (although they certainly have been playing, as far as they are concerned) and embarrasses him beyond his self control. He then cries out, "I hate her--I never wanted her" which successfully creates further problems.

Now consider the damage a single teacher of a class of, um, 25 could do by simply misunderstanding the whole lot. But I must add that as noble a cause misundertanding students remains, helping them feel pushed aside has its merit too.

Help Them Feel Pushed Aside

This, in an egg shell, can work wonders. Wilfred Pelletier explains:

I remember going to a PTA meeting together with some Indian friends in a large white community. They were serving a big lunch and we were fairly close to the beginning of the line-up because we happened to be talking near the table where the food was served. What happened was that we ended up at the end of the line. I don't know how we got there, but people just moved right in and we found ourselves going back, back, back, until finally we were right out of the hall, at the far end of the auditorium and we were standing there talking. Now we got pushed there, we didn't move back there. People got in front of us, so we backed up...

This happens to Indian kids all the time.... (Pelletier, 1982, p. 162)

With a bit of creative extrapolation, we could take this event into the classroom to help not just Aboriginals feel pushed out, but to help everybody feel that way. I want to thank Pelletier for his experience. He has been a big asset.

Teaching Styles, Learning Styles, and Collateral Damage

The point, really, resides in our affecting as many children as possible. To adversely affect a minority without engulfing the whole lot will only discourage the teacher trying to make good use of this essay. But reasonableness needs a voice here. No teacher can be perfect, born with imperfect genes hollering at every step he or she takes (New World Translation, Psalm 51:5) Therefore, if our teaching style actually works for a minority, so be it.

Wilson and Fleming (2002 ) speak about More's learning styles that range from global to analytic, from impulsive to reflective, from trial-and-error to watch-then-do, and from concrete to abstract. Let me put that in another egg shell: If each continuum, say, ranges from -5 to +5, and if I assemble a four-dimensional model, with the x-axis for global to analytic, with the y-axis for impulsive to reflective, with the z-axis for trial-and-error to watch-then-do, and with the w-axis (which doesn't actually exist in view of our only-three-dimensional universe) for concrete to abstract, then a learner with a learning style of, say, x = 3, y = -2, z = 4, and w = -5, mathematically described as a (3, -2, 4, -5), who is coupled with a poor bloke of a teacher whose teaching style actually amounts to a (3, -2, 4, -5) will inevitably result in a mix that works well for the student (Lukiv, 2001).

In war there exists acceptable limits for collateral damage. In all fairness, if collateral damage may exist in war, then acceptable limits for teacher failure must exist in education. What I mean to say is if a (3, -2, 4, -5)-teacher reaches a (3, -2, 4, -5)-student, but manages to frustrate and even exasperate all the rest of his or her students, then we should call that teacher successful. That (3, -2, 4, -5)-student is collateral damage, as inevitable in education as blowing up the wrong building is in war.

I hope this relaxes teachers devoted to one particular teaching style, unless, of course, that style appeals to many of his or her students. In that case, the teacher has serious problems that may require a special workshop. For example, if that teacher has many Aboriginals in his or her class, then he or she would want to employ an impulsive rather than reflective teaching style that encourages impulsive thinking, because Aboriginals tend to prefer reflection to impulsion (Wilson & Fleming, 2002).

The Power and Beauty of Irrelevancy

Another workshop that could help teachers in general should imprint the need for irrelevancy. Relevancy in education only serves to encourage students to remain in school (Raptis & Fleming, 2002). Preparing students for the world of work and further education will only serve to increase that sense of relevancy (Fleming & Post, 2002). I propose an end to such foolishness. Jonathan Swift, who wrote pretty good although I disagree with the odd apple of satire that he sneakily inserted into that pie he called Gulliver's Travels, finally got serious when he took Gulliver on a trip to to "the grand Academy of Lagado" (Swift, 1826/1985, p. 223). As the following excerpt shows, who needs relevancy when we have cucumbers and sunshine?:

The first man I saw was of a meagre aspect, with sooty hands and face, his hair and beard long, ragged and singed in several places. His clothes, shirt, and skin were all of the same colour. He had been eight years upon a project for extracting sunbeams out of cucumbers, which were to be put into vials hermetically sealed, and let out to warm the air in raw inclement summers. He told me, he did not doubt in eight years more, that he should be able to supply the Governor's gardens with sunshine at a reasonable rate. (Swift, 1826/1985, pp. 223-224)

In short, teachers, preferably of strange looks and demeanour, who fill their classes with boxes of cucumbers and visions of sunbeams, and lessons thereof, will do their profession justice. I predict, not too impulsively I hope, that students of such teachers will find such ample irrelevancy that long before the cucumbers rot and the classrooms fill up with hungry flies, the groans of those students will fill the halls of academia with such song that would rival the efforts of John, Paul, Ringo, and George.

Now I want to speak about

The Gratifying Effects of Insulting Children

Insulting students, too, has its place in school. The effects are so gratifying that no teacher worth his salt as a Grecian slave should overlook its power. Consider Hooper Quirk, a boy orange from eating too many carrots, during his first day at school:

Hooper [the new student] quietly settled into a cold, empty desk. He sniffed the air. It smelled like sweat. He noted sagging shelves of books that towered up dark walls. A paper air plane soared across the room, landing in his ear.

Miss Snapdragon entered. She used the same red door that Hooper had used, but she slammed it shut.

The students, including a boy munching a daddy-long-legs, swung around in their desks, facing her.

"My word," Hooper thought. "She's as skinny as a Zulu warrior, and she has a lump of brown hair like an upside-down hornet's nest."

"Good morning!" she exclaimed.

"Good morning, Miss Snapdragon," many droned.

"Where's my new student?" She spied the rows. "Aha! There you are. You look awfully old to be in grade one, Hooper Quirk."

He tried to swallow; he couldn't.

"You're as orange as a carrot," she said. "And you have cauliflower ears."

Hooper felt them. How hot they'd become!

"I'll bet they call you Hooper the Pooper," said a boy with a square face.

Many giggled.

"What's that?" Miss Snapdragon said, scanning the children, like a Roman general scanning slaves. "Children who get out-of-hand write LINES." And she glared at Hooper as if he were the cause of all her problems.

"Hooper the Pooper," the square-faced boy said again, but quietly.

Many stifled giggles.

"People and vegetables should be separate!" announced Miss Snapdragon. "Why are you here?"

"I--I want to be a martian," Hooper replied.

The class roared with laughter.

"Quiet!" Miss Snapdragon stepped forward. "That's BETTER. Now--why do you want to be a martian?"

"I want to be green."

The next rock-slide of laughter was too much. Out of the school Hooper ran.

"Come back here!" she ordered.

But he kept on running.

Miss Snapdragon demanded quiet; the children laughed harder.

"One hundred LINES for EVERYBODY!" she yelled. "You BRATS!"

(Lukiv, 1997, 1998, 1999, Chapters 5 & 6).

Miss Snapdragon, I'm happy to say, completely appreciated that scene, as the following excerpt shows:

Miss Snapdragon, in her living- room, poured a glass of pepper juice, and grumbled:

"I hate children!" She placed the crystal juice decanter back in her dusty china cabinet. "I hate the way they cough and burp."

"Brats!" She settled down between lumpy cushions on a love seat. "That rotten child," she said. "Hooper the Pooper! Ha! He has ears like a cauliflower. Ha!" She swatted a horsefly in midair. It crashed on the wood-stove, twitched on its back, and began to smoke. And she remembered telling Hooper that people and vegetables should be separate. "Haaaaaa!"

A splash of pepper juice tumbled into her windpipe. Her chest burned. Awkwardly, she placed the glass on a rosewood table, trying to compose herself. But coughs shot up her windpipe, like Roman candle-fireballs.

(Lukiv, 1997, 1998, 1999, Chapter 31: Miss Snapdragon Remembers Hooper the Pooper)

My hat's off to Miss Snapdragon. She understands the importance of more than insulting students. She has nurtured an exemplary attitude deep within her core--an attitude that keeps her coming back day after day to those students that cringe and gulp and shudder. Notably, she has avoided what some call the bla, bla, bla.

Beware of the Bla, Bla, Bla

All in all, then, this essay sets the record straight when people like Selma Wassermann say

[1. The Master Teacher] communicates a genuine prizing and valuing of the student. (Wassermann, 1987, p. 178)

[2.] The student does not have to be concerned about defending himself against ridicule, belittlement or rejection. There is a deep respect for the dignity of the learner--for his individuality, for his capacity, for his gifts, for his right to make choices--and there is also a sensitivity to the needs, problems and feelings of the student. (Wassermann, 1987,p. 178)

[3.] The student experiences this teacher not as an "all-knowing sage" but as a resource person who has faith and trust in the learner's ability. While in almost every sense the [Master Teacher] is a model to the learner, the message communicated to the learner is that he is free to develop his own unique style. (Wassermann, 1987,p. 178)

[4. The Master Teacher] not only provides for the development of knowledge and skill, but he does this in such a way that enables the learner to move to higher positions on the continuum of personal autonomy. (Wassermann, 1987,p. 178)

She goes on and on with this stuff. Bla, bla, bla, bla. Bla. But a little flick of the wrist, a little slight of hand, a little rabbit from a top hat, and we have some truly useful tenets:

[1. Never] communicate[ ] a genuine prizing and valuing of the student. (Wassermann, 1987,p. 178.)

[2.] The student [should always] have to be concerned about defending himself against ridicule, belittlement or rejection. There is [absolutely no need for] respect for the dignity of the learner--for his individuality, for his capacity, for his gifts, for his right to make choices--and there is also [absolutely no need for] sensitivity to the needs, problems and feelings of the student. (Wassermann, 1987,p. 178)

[3.] The student experiences this teacher [ ] as an "all-knowing sage" [and] as a resource person who has [zero] faith and trust in the learner's ability. While in almost every sense the [teacher here defined] is a model to the learner, the message communicated to the learner is that he is [certainly not] free to develop his own unique style. (Wassermann, 1987,p. 178)

[4. The teacher positively should not] provide[ ] for the development of knowledge and skill, [and] he does this in such a way that [discourages] the learner to move to higher positions on the continuum of personal autonomy. (Wassermann, 1987,p. 178)

Now we're getting somewhere. My altered-ego in that alternate universe would leap for joy reading such magnificent direction.

More Bla, Bla, Bla

To please this altered-ego, this professional, even further, I must present my (2001) Principles of Instruction as follows

1. I choose methods that my experience says will work on an individual basis according to what I perceive as the educational and socio-emotional needs of each student.

2. I choose methods that show respect and concern for, and that value, the student, reinforcing for the student that his or her individuality and learning style, providing they don't encroach of the rights of others, are important.

3. I choose methods that adequately prepare a student for his or her career path. If that means providing a rigorous learning experience that enables a student to score high on government exams, so that he or she may enter a prestigious university, then I provide such.

4. I choose methods that allow for negotiation between myself and student and that keep the dignity of both intact.

5. I choose methods that enable the student to acquire skills as a lifelong learner.(Lukiv, 2001p. 36)

in a much more useful form:

1. The teacher should not choose methods that could work on an individual basis according to what the teacher perceives as the educational and socio-emotional needs of each student.

2. The teacher should not choose methods that show respect and concern for, and that value, the student. The teacher should not reinforce for the student that his or her individuality and learning style are important. But if the student's individuality or learning style does encroach on the rights of others, that is fine.

3. The teacher should not choose methods that adequately prepare a student for his or her career path. That means: Do not provide a rigorous learning experience that enables a student to score high on government exams. The point: Why bother?

4. The teacher should not choose methods that allow for negotiation between him/herself and student, and should not bother about the student's dignity.

5. The teacher should not choose methods that enable the student to acquire skills as a lifelong learner.

That written, I'm getting hungry.

Malnutrition, an Ally

Writing down such important thoughts for the benefit of those this essay will greatly benefit has worn me down a bit. But that is fine because the rumblings in my tummy remind me of another area of concern in education:

It is a sad truth that we cannot hope to accomplish the goals we want for our children in their brave new world of the future if we ignore their very real, present physical needs. A modern, well-planned educational facility filled with the best human and technological resources cannot stimulate the intellectual development of children who constantly live a marginal or semimarginal existence in terms of nutrition. (Widmer, 1974, p. 18)

Poverty creates a multitude of stresses for families and their school-aged children (Fleming & Yesman, 2001), and one of the problems these children can face is malnutrition. Many children come to school without eating breakfast and without taking a lunch to school. The thing to do about this problem is ignore it. In general, unless the odds defy logic, as they, regrettably, sometimes do, these children will do terrible in school even if given an excellent teacher. Think of your success with them if you are a truly rotten teacher. Think of it. These children are potential, maybe even inevitable, drop outs. Therefore, do not implement breakfast or lunch programs for the needy; the results will be most undesirable.

Note: I mentioned even if given an excellent teacher. That may have caused the reader some alarm. I'll silence the alarm quickly.

Remove 90% and Down Crashes the Tower

An experienced teacher once said, "Good teaching is not a matter of specific techniques or styles, plans or actions....Teaching is primarily a matter of love" (as quoted in Set the Pattern for You, 2002, p. 10). In fact, I firmly believe good teaching is about 90% love and 10% skill. Now, think about this: Remove 90% of the tower, and down it crashes. By simply removing the 90% love even an excellent teacher with a great repertoire of skills and methods will quickly deflate into a terrible teacher. I had to say that, and now I feel much better. I hope the alarms are mute now.

Another problem, besides good teaching, is savvy.

Savvy is for Foxes

A teacher who models savvy to students teaches them, in effect, how to survive adverse conditions, how to sum up people and situations, and how to cut losses and make do with what's left. Savvy is fine for foxes, but as far as this essay is concerned, savvy is a dangerous commodity.

Successful people in all walks of life seem to have a characteristic that can be labeled "savvy" or "street smarts." They are not only intelligent, they are shrewd, canny, sharp, cunning, and perceptive. They have learned to read the environment and to manipulate it in order to achieve their legitimate academic ends. They use facts but are not constrained by them and they refuse to view factual data as immutable [horrors for Mr. Gradgrind!], tending instead to challenge existing dogma. As thinkers, they recognize to cadence of their own "drummer" when they hear it but are realistic enough to know when it isn't expedient to march to its beat! Finally, street smart people have the self-knowledge to capitalize on their strengths and compensate for their weaknesses and seem to have a knack for finding the right people to help them along their way. (Hawley, 1993, p. 12)

Don't be one of those right people and don't allow students to gather "street smarts." They are liable to end up on honour or principal's rolls. The best plan is to keep students disoriented, confused, even jumpy. That is why block systems of classes in which students have up to eight different teachers, each with rules often uniquely different from other teachers, is superior to the community setting of few teachers with a unified set of rules that promote a family sense and feelings of well-being (Kohn, 1996).

Yes, don't be one of those right people, and--don't apply all the information of this essay only to have your efforts swept away by fire.

Remember That Cement, Stones, and Bricks Don't Burn

What I mean to say is teachers can benefit their students only if they have a place--a classroom--to teach in. Schools built with combustible materials present problems. In the last 25 years in one Canadian northern city, three schools have burned to the ground. What a colossal frustration for a teacher to learn the principles of this essay only find him/herself with no place to apply his/her art and craft. The waste, the waste, the waste:

The air above the slanted shingle roof was dancing as if it were summer [instead of -25 in December]. Before the [fire] hoses were working the bell tower tipped and disappeared into the fire below. The flames stood straight in the air, and the water the firemen aimed at them fell back, cascaded down the slant of the hot roof, slid across the windows and froze....The brown-stained shingled building became an ice palace....

[Soon] flames rose thick into the black air....Timbers cracked fast down a bass scale and then there was a sound like a giant drum being hit hard by something wet. The roof collapsed inward. Then the windows along the near side [near the crowd] exploded: glass and ice floated for a long moment in the air....The firemen and their helpers ran backwards across the ice they had made with the spray from their hoses. (Harlow, 1988, pp. 8-9)

Schools should stand non-combustible in their cement or stone or brick shells, and should be walled, floored, and roofed with at least fire resistant materials. Then the studious teacher zealous to apply this essay will rejoice over the daily opportunities to make the lives of his or her students truly miserable.

Conclusion

If you can't be a Squeers, a Gradgrind, or a Creakle, then don't give up hope. Your altered-ego existence can nourish itself on the many thoughts of this essay about: the great uses of mechanical teachers that wonderfully de-humanize learning; the value of misunderstanding children; the deliciously awful effect on learning when teaching styles and a learning styles that don't match; the gold mine of irrelevancy; the artful trick of insulting children, the ease of turning sound direction into its complete opposite; the role of hunger as friend; the foolishness of love; the danger of savvy; and the importance of schools not burning down. Armed with this information, an alternate universe teacher could live a life satisfied and productive.

References

Azimov, I. (1975). In M. Rockowitz (Ed.), Insight and outlook: A collection of short stories (2nd ed.) (pp. 121-126). New Jersey, NY: Globe.

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