A moment in time, suspended. Grasping at the slender thread I plummet backwards. The space transforms from faint reflections to space and light and people, a person reflected in wandering thoughts.
What's important? Tempered sunlight through a multi-colored flute spraying brilliant onto fields of grass. A young black colt cantering through open country encased in a locket I clasp to my heart. Your smile. A warm embrace. Your support. Your love.
I close my eyes and I am with you. The long winding red clay road twisting along the mountainside, wending through thickly-growing trees and brush. A bubbling creek alongside now tempered yet often overflowing from torrential rains. Looking up I see the sun reflecting from the metallic roof, the red-stained, faded wood of your house. I stop and the silence is deafening, showering me with the subtleties of singing water and rustling branches. A dog barks...several dogs as they converge, jumping up in welcome. And you emerging from the door, daintily stepping through the dew-kissed grass, ready in greeting.
I look off into the sunset, vision blurring at the memory. The sun is low over the horizon. People pass behind along the walkway. No one notices my pain. Or if they do, I don't notice.
The nip is biting in the early morning as we rush to the creek to gather watercress. It grows abundantly there in the frigid water, numbing fingers as I grasp the bounteous bunch. I can't remember what you said or how you said it. The tears spill over onto my cheeks, the pain grasping at my heart. And all I can say is "Why?" The chill of the bedroom is intense in the early morning. The smell of coffee playing in the background, I roll over, hugging the now warm blankets even closer. The light filters diffuse through smudged panes of glass. Mother is up. I cannot pull myself out of bed this early, closing eyes to plummet nebulous. The bed shifts, yet another presence, the smell of coffee now more potent. Your inquisitive stare, piercing in the early morning, peering over a steaming mug, eyes through a Monet painting. You smile, a radiance further lighting the shadowy room, burning me awake.
For you morning is early as dawn. And animals, the myriad you have gathered, converge for breakfast, each awaiting his or her turn, for there is an order, a harmony as light gathers onto the yard defining the neighboring trees. I sleep through so much, taking all for granted because verily it will always be there, no? It has always been there. You. My mom's good friend. My friend.
It is there no more. Not in the same way. And as time passes, details unravel, the sound of the moment. The harmony of light and space. The fragrance of apple trees blooming in the spring. The heat of the sun on my back as we chase butterflies through the open fields, nets held high overhead. Belly dancing in your art studio, bright sparkly spangles, twinkling bells...twinkling bell of your laughter. Transcendence of you. Timelessness of you. No age. Not ninety. No thought. Didn't know. I'm sorry. I miss you.
The sun, a huge red ball, hovers over the earth's rim spraying brilliant colors through the darkening sky. Sunglasses cover eyes swollen with tears in the jumble of the city, pulsing city, ever moving where I stand frozen in thought. I have glanced off of so much life, looking ever forward, ever outward. Struggling so much to get there. Must get there. But where? And in struggling, in my great rush to be somewhere else I have often missed what's right in front of me what's most important. What of the moment? What of this time right now? What of the vibrancy of living fully? If only I could roll back time. If only I had known. If only.
I turn as a child toddles from his father, laughing, grasping at delight. Entranced I watch as the father follows, allowing the child to follow the thought. I hope he is living the moment, because, despite all the hype, there are some things you just can't buy.
The last thing you did taught me so much. I'm just sorry I can't say thank you, and give you one last hug.
As the sun dips over the horizon, a star or two appear. And I vow to savor the moment. For regardless of great plans or worries, I live in the now. And there are so many wonderful people and things to savor and embrace. Let me never forget this. For you gave your life for this lesson.