The OFFAL Awards

Have you ever wondered what the television industry, in all of its composite forms, can do next? I mean, just how far can "reality TV" take us? After all, the guy who lived on live tarantulas for a week died before he could tell us if they actually tasted like chicken. Talk show hosts? Statistics show that once every 12 minutes, a new talk show host is born in this country and that's a lot of talking without actually saying anything.

So, television, like the subclass Elasmobranchii (sharks) must continuously patrol the depths to find us new and quasi-meaningful entertainment. Which brings me to award shows. Yes, I know that they are getting out of hand. An award for Best Valet Parking During the Country Music Awards may have you reaching for a...oh...ummm...a book.

But at television's darkest hour, comes now Mr. Joe Dreggs of Biscuit, Nebraska, with an astounding suggestion. We will let Joe tell you his idea in his own words:

"Howyadoin,' pilgrim? Hey, I got this idea. I watch a lot of sports on TV except golf and tennis - not many rowdies with them fans - and I said to Effie, she's my wife of 78 years, 'Hey Eff, quit cleaning them catfish and come in here and listen to me while it's still half-time.' She did that, and what I told her, I'll tell all of you. Somebody has got to come up with an award for fans! Yessir! I mean, the fan that spends 650 dollars for a family of four to go to a ball game that gets rained out in the 7th inning needs some special consideration. Give Joe Fan a mention, too. So, how about that, pilgrim? Eff thought that was a good idea so I gave her the rest of the night off from the catfish."

Well, Joe set our squiggly wheels in motion and hence, The First Annual OFFAL Awards were born, OFFAL standing for Obnoxious Freaky Fans Awards Ltd.. The ground rules are deceptively simple. One, the fan must be attending a live sporting event and appear on television for not less than 3 seconds and, two, the fan must have the look of complete lunacy.

First, let's take the 'signs.' There is nothing like a sign held up at a sporting event to transmit the true meaning of philosophical athleticism, if there is such a thing. We liked the sign held up at an Ivy League football fame: "E=MC squared - that's what they would like you to believe." However, we automatically disqualify any sign that smacks of rank commercialism such as: "After the game, let's all head for Bing's Bed and BBQ." A special mention should go to the young man attending a University of Iowa football game: "Grandma, I promise to go to church right after the game -put me back in the will." But our first award goes to Mel Griggs of San Andreas, California, who, while attending an NBA playoff game, held this sign up: "You call one more time-out in the last two minutes of this game, and I'll wet my pants on national TV."

Now for the costumes, and football has a big edge here. You have your Darth Vader, Rasputin, and Fred Flintstone look-a-likes but we like Howie Fritter of Tundra, Montana who wore nothing at all except a javelin while attending a football game in Northern Minnesota. Howie's contention was that he was emulating an Olympic athlete from ancient Athens. Unfortunately, the wind chill at game-time was minus 21 degrees and by the time the security police got to Howie, he looked like his javelin only much bluer.

Mugging for the camera seems to be a compulsion for many people at whatever ball game they are at. In fact, some people just can't stop camera mugging, a condition some New Wave psychologists are now calling "Cam-psychosis." This compulsion took a hard turn for Whiz Dillard of Bunky, Georgia who was robbing a bank in nearby Pepper and stopped to mug for the bank security camera. At his trial, the judge, in pronouncing sentence, said that the semi-photogenic Whiz was not only the dumbest crook he had ever seen, he was ugly too.

It is with a measure of sadness that we must include beverage throwing in these awards, not because we condone it, but because we must accept the fact that the throwing of bottles, cans, plastic cups, family glassware, convenience store mugs, and stolen IV bags, represents the ultimate declaration of disgust, boredom, outrage, and double-dares for the sporting public. Still, one does have to admire the talent and aim of Maynard Fresco of Roswell, New Mexico, who, from the 97th row at a basketball game, launched a cup of light beer into the air. The cup took 26 complete end-over-ends without spilling a drop and landed near center court hitting a TV commentator who was about to interview the league commissioner, a priest, an IRS agent, and a dude named "Little Augie" Caesare.

Well, fans, that's about a wrap on this year's OFFAL Awards. We plan to be back next year with other catagories such as bald guys with the most players'autographs on their heads and ticket scalpers willing to reveal their secrets as to how they can finance 4 trips a year to Bermuda for 15 minutes work on Saturday. Also, we hope to have Howie Fritter thawed out by then.