Authentic Conversations

I listened as Paul talked about “truth” in organizations. It was the first session of a book discussion group convened by The Center for Ethical Leadership at Concordia College in Moorhead, Minnesota. Approximately fifteen of us would discuss the book, If Aristotle Ran General Motors by Tom Morris, over lunch for the next seven weeks. Energy filled the room.

As I listened I thought back to a conversation in 1993 with my friend and consultant John Johnson. Disillusioned by recent betrayals in the organization, I was ready to leave the corporate world to complete my Ph.D. in organizational development. I said, “I am going to write my thesis about truth in organizations.” John replied in disdain, “Organizations are built on lies.”

Organizations structured in the machine model are built on inauthenticity with conformity as the number one requirement for acceptance. Organizations need to change their theoretical underpinnings to reflect life's natural processes, not machinery. I didn't write about “truth” in my Ph.D. work. Instead I wrote about authenticity.

In Philip Roth's The Human Stain a character suggests, “By a certain age, one's mistrust is so exquisitely refined that one is unwilling to believe anybody.” Sadly this describes many organizations in which people lack the courage and intimacy needed for truth and authenticity to flourish. I recalled the time I stood up in front of a disconnected group of employees in a client company. Someone needed to speak up and tell the truth so they could awaken to the destructiveness of their workplace. I raised my voice and pounded my fist on the table. I said:

You are losing your humanity. You hate the union. You hate
management. You hate each other. I think you hate yourselves.
Everyone is scared to talk to you. Some of you drink and use drugs.
Some beat their wives and children. Some of you engage in road
rage, and I don't want to fly on an airplane with any of you. You are
losing the connections with self and others that makes us human.
You need to take responsibility for yourselves and get real.
(They eventually did and today, due to some good leadership, are
doing much better.)

The discussion group continued, and my thoughts shifted to the idea of “truth as a competitive advantage.” I recalled how writers and leaders as diverse as Peter Senge, Jack Welch, Tom Morris, Jim Collins, the 12-Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, and all the world's great religions agree that we must see reality as honestly as possible if we want to enjoy mental health, make good decisions, become better people, and create inspirational visions. I know this to be true from my personal experiences with the denial and delusion of alcoholism (see Pamphlet 70) and my experiences as a leader and consultant.

Our reality is that we live in dark times. William James said that truth is what works. Much does not work in our organizations today. The mediocrity of so many organizations and the legions of walking dead within our enterprises are the result of false and failed beliefs about what works, old lies invested in and clung to tenaciously that some continue to try to make true. People shut down to cope. Each of us needs to turn the lights of authenticity on.

Imagine if authentic conversations about the many faces of truth in organizations became a core value in an organization, and we encouraged and held one another accountable for being real in all ways? Imagine if addictive processes, the antithesis of authenticity, were illuminated and healed and we could share our weaknesses and our humanity with one another. What if defensiveness was not needed as any issue could be talked about in a learning mode? Consider criticisms delivered with sensitivity and tough love—authentic conversations that combine a need to care with a focus on excellence—instead of with anger and personal attack. Our authentic conversations are not all of the critical type. One of the most difficult is to tell a colleague what they and their work mean to us.

What if we could talk about our natural fears, losses, and anxieties, and uncertainties openly and listened with compassion and support? What creativity would emerge from such connection with others? Imagine if we could also talk of our pride and our accomplishments without fear of attack. What would life be like if we acknowledged the goodness and successes of others with open admiration instead of shadowy envy?

Picture people in organizations who sit down together and talk openly and honestly and really listen to one another. Visualize if evasion, euphemisms, manipulation, political correctness—all language used to evade reality—were replaced by our simple experience of truth as we know it. Such a vision of life in organizations is possible if each of us simply makes choices that move toward that future. What would the impact on the bottom line be?

I spent many years in the disconnected world of presentation, manipulation of perceptions, and competitive and win-lose discussions. As a consultant/teacher I struggle with my perception that clients and audiences want and/or expect linear presentation, one-way communication, and quick-fix, feel good entertainment. I wrestle with my belief that many don't want to think and learn and prefer the comfort of paternalism. I want my expectations to be wrong with each new group. I hope some want to think, engage, and learn. I fear they don't.

Instead of disconnected rhetoric, I want to connect with the people I engage with. I want to create conditions, as best I can, that helps them connect with one another. I want to be authentic, and I want to create conditions for authenticity, engagement, exchange, and creativity. I want to blur the boundaries between teacher and learner: I want all to learn from one another and to teach others. I want to have an agenda and I want to deviate from the agenda to go with the energy of the group. These are difficult objectives to achieve in today's shut down organizational world and require strong effort and a willingness to be disappointed.

I try because I know that to enter intentionally into the disturbance of chaos and confusion is to set the conditions for creativity and connection so badly needed in a world that needs to change. I believe that people literally crave connection with others even as they fear it. The most courageous make human connections despite their fear and insecurity. The most fearful reject the authentic connection they crave and are doomed to loneliness. Sometimes I am fearful of making connections. I am more fearful of not making them. Sometimes I am brave enough to be real with a group. Other times I am not.

I recently conducted a series of graduate level workshops on leadership with the managers of a comparatively open organization. This was a rare experience in my decade of consulting. They took risks too, and I found I could be braver with this group than with many others.

As we grew more and more comfortable sharing our selves, I again began to feel hopeful for what is possible if we talk to one another, as I always do in an authentic group. Along the way we discussed courage. I asked the group where they found the courage to get real and talk authentically within their organization—something they did well. One man simply said, “We had to be led kicking and screaming to authentic conversations. Once there, we found it works.” The times in which we live call for personal courage.

Authenticity is a choice. We gain our courage by beginning where we are and doing courageous things—one act at a time. When we live from our values, our sense of purpose, and our idealism we engage our hearts and find our courage. We recognize that if we fail to act now, the need will only be larger in the future. We go through our fear and insecurity because we know that on the other side is relief, success, freedom, integrity, a better team, a more fulfilling relationship. And greater courage for our next authentic conversation.

I remembered a defining moment of authenticity for me 30 years earlier in an alcohol treatment center (from Pamphlet 70):

The group worked on me, gently as I recall. They asked questions
and I responded. A nurse seated on my right began to cry. She
reacted to something I said, and she told a story of how she felt
when a child. I observed, like I was outside of myself, as my right
hand reached out and touched her hand while she spoke. I felt
accepted and understood. I understood her—we connected. Her
vulnerability gave me a dash of hope.

I felt a surge of joy and optimism. I looked at the counselor and said,
“Can I hug my wife?” The counselor said, “You can do whatever you
want to do.” I got up, walked across the room, and hugged my wife; I
chose life.

What happened was like an out of body experience—my
first spontaneous action in a long time. I reconnected with myself and
with others; I would never again lose that capacity.

Authentic conversations shape our relationships. Nothing is so beautiful in an organization as a group of people, connected in their authenticity, who create together. Nothing is as beautiful as people joined by a shared vision who achieve noble goals together. We need more beauty in organizations. Sustainable organizations--those that will survive the cold winter we are in--will be those that are deeply connected to their vision, values, and purpose and to themselves.

As we connect with others our intimacy deepens, and our trust in ourselves grows. Our idealism is renewed our cynicism softens, and we become more open to new information. As we engage we go deeper into what matters to us. From our reflection, authenticity, and shared experiences, we create together. This is how life organizes itself. And how we adapt and evolve ourselves and our organizations.

It is time to be brave and end the silence in so many organizations. It is time for those who would lead to come out of their offices, sit in a circle with employees (partners) and begin to connect with them. And, when they do, it is time for everyone else to get real, tell their truth, and elevate themselves and our organizations.

The discussion group has completed four sessions. Energy remains high. Many “truths” are being shared authentically. I imagine that lives are being changed in ways large and small. I know mine is.

We will change our lives, our organizations, and our world one authentic conversation at a time. Who do you need to have an authentic conversation with?

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