I've fasted before, many times. Food poisoning, stomach flu, traveling in a funky-food country - there are times when food just doesn't appeal. Never, however, had I intentionally fasted for purification. One day recently, my body finally spoke out...said it was time for some house-cleaning, and I was inclined to agree.
Day 1. I'm hungry, but I don't get to eat. I am cleansing internally, and it's long overdue. I've been living like an addict for too long. Addicted to action, doing. I allowed the tasks of my daily life to consume me: preparing lectures, grading papers, teaching algebra. Lunch would be whatever I could grab while racing from place to place. Mornings were spent not in meditation but in a frustrated rush to get to work on time. Peace became slippery. I was addicted to the fast-paced energy of the work world. Vacant. Shallowly breathing. Running scared. Forgetting how to ground myself, how to tend to my deeper needs. Temporarily blinded. It scares me how easily this happened. So gradual were the changes which led me from a regular meditator, idealistic pursuer of spiritual growth, and free-spirit to an over-stressed, burned out, and confused spoke in a big wheel. When did the final straw fall and where was I to prevent it?
My stomach is growling. I am considering how great it would be to eat some mashed potatoes right now. But I can only drink apple and prune juice. Three days of this. By choice because I want to de-addict myself. This cleanse is my passage from a burn-'em-up lifestyle of the past few months to a centered and balanced peace. So be it!
Day 2. Now I am beyond hunger. Okay, maybe not that far, but definitely beyond a growling stomach. Day two has been easier in many ways. Though I feel some flu-like symptoms, I know that it is a sign that the cleanse is working, that my body is clearing out the old. Mentally, I feel disciplined and goal-oriented. I have sent my ego on vacation. No more do I jump at its commands: Eat Chips Ahoy! Stay up late! Ignore the warning signs! Those are the ways of the addict, the one addicted to drama, to being high one minute and low the next. The lifestyle of an exalted ego.
Physically, I feel a little weak. I have to reassure my body that I am doing this for its betterment. I think my body knows that, so it must be me I am reassuring. I have heard of week-long fasts. A whole week with no solid food. Allegedly, once you get past day three or four you start to feel really good. I'll take it at face value, my train stops at day three.
Why am I doing this? Because I love myself. This demonstrates my commitment to Self, a reaffirmation of my pure desire for change, for awakening. It is my coming home again. As the old stuff is cleansed from the inner walls of my body, I am consciously creating a new, loving interior for my inner self. My body is rejoicing for the opportunity to let go. My spirit is expanding. I am lifted in these moments of sacrifice and purification. I am ecstatic about how good Pad Thai will taste to my rejuvenated taste buds!
Day three. Here's the pattern. The days start off easy. I feel clean, pure, and unbothered by petty requirements like breakfast, or even lunch. My morning meditations have been exceptional. My connection to Spirit has intensified, and I am clearer about my path in life. That purity gives way around mid-afternoon to the feeling that my body is wasting away. I feel weak and can seem to think of nothing but my physical discomfort. I lay down, get up an hour later with an upset tummy and aches and pains all over. I was forewarned about this final toxin fandango, their going-away party of sorts.
I really need to believe this now because I just feel crappy. How easy it would be to slip into hypochondria. I know that I am doing this for my betterment, but does it have to be so hard?! This experience is a microcosm for walking the growth path. No pain, no gain. So, I am happy to be here - sick and hungry at my own choosing! Food doesn't even sound good to me now. Tomorrow morning, whether I feel like eating or not, I am going to fix a nice bowl of soup made with the fresh, organic ingredients I bought today. I can already smell it cooking!
Day 4. Today I broke the fast. It felt good to wake up lighter inside, knowing that I had been successful in my discipline. I think it felt even better than eating the miso soup I prepared for myself! Though starving, the thought of food didn't appeal to me. Once I finished eating a bowl of soup, however, I was ready to help myself to seconds. Aha! The lure of addiction. This cleanse was to break my addictive lifestyle of late, to re-center myself, slow down. Giving in to that persistent desire for more, more, more! would cheapen my three-day purification. I left the table feeling hungry, but feeling good.
My fast has granted me clarity. Long-ignored feelings normally silenced with activity came to full awareness. I found the courage to allow their total expression and to command their imprint to burn away, like so many toxins. It was a three-day retreat into my Self, very good and very challenging. I am grateful for my discipline, grateful for the changes I have made room for, and grateful to have been introduced to prune juice, the most royal juice of all!
(Copyright 1999 by Michele Mattix - No reproduction without express permission from the author)