How many have been the times that I have written but I really just doubt what I've said? How many times have I wanted to do something or try something but have not? It's all well and good to say, 'yes, that was fear holding me back.' I can see things fairly clearly in retrospect. Does it do me any good though? Sometimes it feels like the answer is no.

It's when the fear is really gripping me. I'm frozen in a stasis moment, not doing anything, and my mind just keeps spluttering away. I say to myself, `You know, it's just fear, but I'm still frozen. It doesn't really help just to know that I am worrying about things. I wait, wondering if this time I'll be made the fool. If this time I'll lose the prize. If this time I'll go too far... Because I have done it before. Humiliation, empty loss, the pain of mistakes...Felt 'em, know 'em, only too well. I've done them all before, so why can't I figure it out when I'm there? I've feared since before I could remember. Worrying about how bad the guilt will be after that test today. Whether a deed might be construed as criminal. What do they think of me?

There is all too much fear in the world. There is all too much fear in me.

Looking about me, I can see how it got there too. Seeing children brought up, this is good, this is bad. Sometimes I just want to scream. This is what you've made me!!

Is it?

I can hardly tell sometimes. Is it? I don't know, and in reality, it doesn't matter. I am, that is what matters. Regardless of how I got here, I am here, that is where I need to go from.

And from here, there is the fear. I am looking at my fear because I have been seeing it a lot recently. It keeps me up sometimes, it makes me freeze sometimes when I could better spend my time moving. It is painful and it really gets in the way.

Of the things that cause my fear, the greatest would be pain. I am similar to anyone (except masochists, but in their case, only they really know) in this, I think. I fear that which causes me pain. I don't like pain. Well, not real pain at any rate, the kind of pain that tears and rips at your guts and you know is causing some honest-to-god damage somewhere.

But then, I think, pain is necessary for growth, isn't it? Do we only grow when we are given a stimulus that tells us, in no uncertain terms, we are doing something wrong? Or is there something else that guides our growth? Something more benevolent, something kinder and gentler that doesn't necessarily hurt us. Maybe it is both, I have heard it said by a wise woman that if one does not learn by wisdom than one will be made to learn by woe. ::chuckle:: Maybe I am being told something right now...

Putting that point aside though, even if I am learning by woe, I want to figure it out. So, thinking about it, if I fear pain, which is necessary for growth, than do I fear growth?

Well, in some ways, yes, I can see that. I’ve given much thought to the opportunities I've passed by in my life. The thought process normally went something like, 'Well, I'm happy. No I'm not. Being happy would mean that I desired nothing more, which is not true. However, I am used to the place I am in and I know what's going on here, so rather I am content with where I am. No, content is not quite right because I would like more. Comfortable, yes, I am comfortable with where I am, I have grown used to it and it is not imminently painful.

Ah, there is that pain thing again. As long as I'm staying in my comfortable world, there is not a fear of pain. But it's when the opportunity comes to move off the set path, and there are briars and wire fences in the way. The field on the other side may be beautiful and all that, but I still wonder, and fear, how much it might hurt if I botch it.

Is it a preoccupation with failure? Perhaps... Am I too caught up on the fact that I might not be good enough, that I might not make it through? This also seems feasible.

I'm trying not to let this fear hold me back as much, which is a difficult thing, to say the least. Like I said, it's been with me for all the ever I've known. I suppose the biggest steps were when I would just lower my head and try to plow through. Like the buffalo. Determination, and blinders, counted for a lot.

Hopefully, as my bull-headedness gets me through things I'll be able to look around more and more and maybe then the fear won't govern me as much.

Hopefully...