A lot has been said and written about the destructive cycle of domestic abuse. I think most people would now agree that staying with a spouse who beats you, derides you or otherwise negates your self worth and spirit, is inherently an act of self destruction. So many times I've had friends say to me; "Why doesn't she just leave him?" When I attempt to explain that the evil we know is less fearful than the evil we don't know, they shake their heads impatiently, inferring that if they were in her shoes they would have no trouble finding the courage to change their situation. Yet fully half of the people I know will get up every weekday morning, with renewed hope and self delusion, and head off to a job that leaves them battered, weary and spiritless by evening.
When I attempt to point out this strange parallel to them, denial reigns supreme. I am rebutted with phrases that range from;
"It's a completely different thing, everyone needs to work to survive."to;
"All I have to do is figure out the system, and things will get better."
It seems odd to me that they can't see the similarities. When I lay them out on paper, side by side, they seem too clear to suffer any logical denial. Consider these comparisons:
A. In the beginning of the relationship the battered spouse isolates each incident. The thought is always focused on "This wouldn't have happened if I hadn't done that." It takes an inordinately long time for the pattern of abuse to be recognized.
B. The battered employee also takes each incident seperately at first, not seeing the whole picture. Each is compartmentalized into a "Next time, I will do things this way."
A. The battered spouse is always sure that things will change, given time. There is a constant readaptation as each new idea is tried, fails and is discarded. Careful attention is paid to the abuser in an attempt to pick up clues that might lead to the end of the abuse.
B. The battered employee spends massive amounts of time, energy and thought rearranging priorities, trying on new attitudes, attempting different approaches, none of which seems to change anything. A great deal of effort is put into trying to figure out the system, or what makes the boss "tick."
A. The battered spouse begins to complain bitterly about this treatment, but does nothing to change the circumstances. The fear of the unknown is too great.
B. The battered employee complains constantly to co-workers and friends, attempting to release accumulated frustration, but never actually searches for new work, due to the same fear of the unknown.
A. The battered spouse eventually comes to believe that the abuse is deserved. Constant negation of self worth has done it's job. If you are worth nothing, then you deserve less than nothing.
B. The battered employee sits dully through reviews and chastisements, a known failure, a loser, grateful to be allowed to have a job.
A. The battered spouse will eventually build up a dull immunity to the abuse, ignoring the soul's death cries and becoming dead in spirit in order to survive.
B. The battered employee becomes a "zombie," wearily getting up each day and plodding through a work week with a minimum of productivity and a complete absence of creativity or fulfillment.
In my opinion, the progress of these relationships are damn close to identical, with the same hellish consequences. So how does one deal with the abusive job relationship?