Taking up swords and shields we arm ourselves for the winning of battles, denying the hope of peaceful coexistence.

Last month, I addressed the subject of fear, or more specifically, the fear of change and the unknown that keeps us from learning more about each other. This month, I will be discussing two of the most common barriers to effective communication...aggressive and defensive behaviors. As you'll read below, I have been guilty of both.

I love debate. It fires my blood, clears my thinking, and inspires me to wonderful new ways of explaining exactly what it is I mean. I become impassioned, and often can't get the words out fast enough. My voice goes up several decibels, and my hands become punctuation marks. I shift in my chair and sometimes even get to my feet as I feel a powerful surge of creative explanation struggling to come forth. Until a few years ago, I never realized how aggressive this looks to those around me. When the debate became a strained silence, I always assumed that I had made my point so effectively that there was nothing left to say. What I didn't realize was that my manner had made further exploration too uncomfortable to continue.

My revelation came when I met my friend Rose's significant other, Scott. His style is very much like my own, although not as blatantly physical. We spent hours hashing through subject after subject, getting loud, and never giving Rose a chance to interject. I left their home that day feeling invigorated and full of new ideas. I'd had a wonderful time! So I was more than surprised when Rose called later that evening to tell me that Scott was afraid he had alienated me. He thought I might have become angry once or twice during our talk. I assured her that nothing could have been farther from the truth...but after I hung up, I began to wonder why he would have thought so.

It was that evening that I saw myself as described above and began to understand. What I felt as passion came across to others as aggression. Aggression can win an argument but only by default. Intimidating someone into agreement is not only pointless, it defeats the entire idea of an exchange of information. What can you possibly learn from someone who is afraid to disagree with you?

Aggressive behavior, even done unconsciously, can cause defensive reactions. It is human nature to adopt a defensive stance when feeling threatened. The idea of sharing views is often lost in defense. Instead, the person feeling threatened will call up learned "fight or flight" responses.

The "fight" response causes an overwhelming urge to "break" the other person's argument...to "win" the battle. The defender is no longer interested in listening, much less comparing points of view, but is instead seeking a way to prove the other person wrong at all cost. If logic and argument fail, sarcasm and personal affronts are often used. As both sides become angry, real communication becomes impossible. The "fight" response is a reactive aggressive response, with its only purpose being to stop the initial perceived attack. If the initial attacker can be made to stop, the defender becomes the "winner." In reality, no one has won anything. It is doubtful that either person will walk away with a new idea or any new understanding. Anger blocks the ears, and walls up the heart.

The "flight" response isn't much better. The defender opts for a shield, rather than a sword, and simply tunes out your voice. This is by far the hardest response to gauge, as it can be mistaken for real listening. The person may nod, and smile...and throughout it all is mentally dismissing any information or opinions offered. Persons exhibiting this response will rarely offer any of their own input. They will rarely risk opposing the attack, preferring instead to wait out the argument. They will agree or stay silent in order to avoid confrontation. After all, why would they wish to be attacked again? What should be dialogue becomes monologue. Nothing is shared or learned.

Neither aggression nor the "fight or flight" response is desirable if you are honestly seeking new ideas, opinions or understanding. Although I gave only an example of my own unwitting aggression, I know I also have been guilty of defensive responses. After thinking over all of the above carefully, I realized I had to make a change. I had to become the conscious designator of my own actions and responses while communicating, or I'd never reach a real understanding of anything.

I have learned since to consciously control my body language and volume, at least to some extent. I still am carried away now and then, but I'm careful to let the other person know that I'm not angry, only excited...and that I really do want to hear all arguments. I also try to stay still while listening and to give the other person ample room to say their piece. I'm careful not to be judgmental during the discussion, allowing a full expression of thought. I don't jump on individual statements that I would like to challenge, but keep them instead in a mental list that I can address when it's my turn to speak again. These changes have kept me from initiating defensive responses. They've also helped me learn to listen better.

On the other hand, I have also learned to not take things so personally. I try to keep in mind that a disagreement in philosophy, religion, or idealism is not a personal attack, even if it seems composed that way. I remind myself that my world and I are constantly changing, according to the new information I gather daily, and I strive to listen closely to what's being said. I think of all the people I know, and even love, who have different views than myself. When I respond, I deliberately choose those points in the conversation that I don't fully understand and ask for further explanation.

If I still disagree after all is said and done, I say so calmly, with a shrug and a grin if I can, and make little of the disagreement. I sometimes even apologize. Most importantly of all, I return to the discussion later, when I'm alone, and try reasoning it out again. Without the perception of a need for defense, I can often see the point more clearly. In this way I can learn something about what threatens me and why. If the subject comes up again, I can more clearly state my position, with a better understanding of the other person and their point of view.

I don't do this all perfectly...but I do it consciously and doggedly. I've found that people are more likely to share their deepest beliefs and feelings because of it. Without judgment, without attack and defend, it is easier to express what matters...and so much easier to really learn about ourselves and others. This is one transmutation that I think could benefit many of us, as we strive to understand each other and our ever-changing world.

Copyright 1998

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