We picked up a new cat this week, named Mittens. She's eight years old, and her owner was no longer able to keep her. She had been declawed, and had lived alone with her people her whole life. Needless to say, the move was traumatic for her. Not only had she been transplanted away from everything she had ever known, but she had the added disadvantage of being a second cat in our household. Pennypaws, our own little lone stray, had already ensconced herself as queen of our family group, and was less than happy about this new addition.The first meeting was a disaster. I wasn't able to see exactly what happened, but for some reason, Pennypaws dived into the tiny spot that Mittens had squeezed into, clawing and hissing with a vengeance. I promptly dragged them to separate sections of the house and sat to give the matter some thought. Pennypaws was locked in our bedroom, while Mittens was removed to the spare room. I sat with Mittens that eve, trying to calm her. Her nasty growling and hissing at everyone and everything was truly awe inspiring. At first I was afraid to touch her, but then it dawned on me. She had been declawed. She had no weapons at all to defend herself with. I reached out to pat her, and she arched into my hand, the better to get her ears scratched. During the entire time, she never ceased her fearsome growling and hissing.
It suddenly became clear to me. Mittens was powerless...and like some of the people I've met who felt the same way, she figured that she had to snarl and growl threats of dire nastiness in order to protect herself. She needed to look fierce and unapproachable before anyone found out how helpless she actually was. She had absolutely no weapons to back up her threats with, and really wanted nothing more than to be secure and happy once more. I realized that she must have met Pennypaws' initial advance with snarling fury, and the Paws reacted accordingly. How like human relationships that was. How often have we all been put off by another person's hostility, without ever entertaining the possibility that we may have been perceived as a threat somehow...a threat that the person may have felt helpless to counter? And in those cases, would we have acted with less of our own antagonism if we had understood?
I decided to put this to a test. With Mike's help, we moved Mittens out from under the spare room couch, and got her into the main living area. I let her have the place to herself for about four hours, so that she could find a place she was comfortable in...in this case under the Papason couch in the living room. I let Pennypaws back into the same area, and armed myself with a squirt gun. The Paws had been trained with a squirtgun, and knew better than to argue with a no when I was thus armed. I allowed her to approach Mittens until she was about four feet away, and then gave her a firm "no." She was fidgety, but she stopped where she was, in spite of Mittens' snarled threats. She lay down and watched and listened for a while. She was very tense, and she was waiting for the inevitable attack. None came. Mittens, realizing that Pennypaws was off "seek and destroy" mode, eventually quieted down.
Pennypaws began to relax also. The stare down began. As each cat relaxed a bit more, treats were dispensed, and the Paws began to get curious. She approached Mittens cautiously, attempting to find out more about this interloper who seemed determined to stay. This time, when Mittens hissed, Paws felt less threatened, and backed off without retaliating. I put the squirt gun away, and proceeded to ignore them, lest I should inadvertently cause a contest. In an hour or so, Paws was in her usual "flopped out, feet everywhere" position in the middle of the rug, and Mittens was sitting quietly under the couch...without a growl. It wasn't exactly trust yet...but at least it was no longer open warfare and hostility.
I sat and watched them for awhile, lost in thought. "Could it really be this easy?" I wondered. "Is the simple lack of retaliation enough to build a working relationship on, in the case of the defensively hostile person? How often are our reactions based on the behavior of a person who thinks we might attack first? And how many situations could have been defused by simply refusing to retaliate?"
Or is this something only cats can accomplish?
Denise Ruiz
Editor - Seeker Magazine