Wearing a reflective mask, I deny myself in order to win you...only to lose myself.

Last month I spoke about aggressive and defensive behaviors and their negative effect on communication. This month I am going to discuss the effect that seeking approval has on our lives. This will be a simplistic overview of a rather complicated subject, and I plan to cover some of its nuances in later columns.

Do you care what other people think about you?

This question is not as easy to answer as it first appears. The answer will often vary throughout people's lives, becoming more and more qualified...if they're lucky, that is. I say "lucky" because it is necessary for us to realize that it is impossible to make everyone happy and to adjust ourselves accordingly. As we develop more of a sense of ourselves, we need to divide the world into those whose opinions of us matter and those whose opinions don't. To neglect to do so is to court constant failure...the consequences of which may seriously and negatively affect your life.

You can't force people to like or love you. It's impossible and counterproductive. We all interact with people who, for one reason or another, will decide that we are less than perfect. Some of them may downright hate us, for no discernible reasons. I've known folks who couldn't abide anyone with a particular name or a certain accent. There are more associative reasons for people to dislike others than I could possibly list here. So how can we hope to change ourselves for all of them? Why would we even want to? Isn't it better to gain approval for our real and already existing qualities, rather than try to acquire those that may go against our very nature?

For example: I have a friend who always seemed to agree with me. Although he aired his views, he always impressed me as being reasonable and adaptive. He gave the overall impression that he was tolerant, thoughtful, and seeking enlightenment. One afternoon someone asked a specific question that completely derailed him. He launched into a bitter, nasty diatribe in which he refuted every tolerant belief I thought he held. After the shock wore off, it dawned on me that he had only been reflecting my views, not actually holding them as his own. It took me a few days of thinking before I realized that he had been afraid of losing my good opinion. Because he cared about what I thought of him, he tried not to alienate me. While in my company, he was never really himself. No wonder he blew up! It took me a while to understand why he would repress himself that way.

Approval seems to be the key...and the need for it begins in childhood. At some point, we realize that the approval of our parents is a good thing. It leads to rewards, smiles, and affection. Disapproval leads to punishment, scowls, and withdrawal of affection. It all becomes a matter of comfort level. A simple choice, don't you think? (This is only a model, of course. I don't have room in this column to address inappropriate approval/disapproval responses in parenting or relationships. That would be a whole other train of thought to discuss the devastating consequences for all concerned. For the sake of this illustration, let's work with the ideal approval situation.)

As we enter our teen years, approval from our parents becomes less important than approval from our peers. This makes sense as we are spending less time with our parents and more time with our friends. Approval now means fitting in, being included, and attracting the opposite sex. Disapproval means being ridiculed, being excluded, and being perceived as a bad date choice. It could be a kind of survival imperative, I think, perhaps associated with the drive to reproduce. The wider the range of approval (popularity), the more breeding options we have. Again, a simple choice, but even at this age, most of us are already narrowing the field of "who matters." Popular approval matters; "outsider" approval doesn't.

Adulthood brings a whole new area of necessary approval. We hope for the approval of our employers, our mates, our children, our family, and our friends. As our world widens, we wish for the approval of strangers that we admire. We might work to be well thought of by those who can negatively or positively affect our lives. As we gain new interests and hobbies, we seek the approval of those we perceive as "experts." Our list begins to get huge.

As you can probably guess, earning all these approvals is a lot of work. We often end up running in so many directions that we are absolutely forced to narrow the range, for the sake of sanity. We might start peeling away family members: "Uncle George is an old grouch. Why am I trying so hard to make him happy?" Work associates may be eliminated: "John never has anything nice to say about anyone, so I don't see why I should go out of my way to socialize with him." Even friends can be winnowed out: "Sally and I have nothing in common anymore, so why do we keep trying to change one another?"

Why am I pointing out subtractions rather than additions? Finding people whose approval we would like to have seems to come naturally...letting go of our need for approval doesn't. Things change. People change. Isn't it appropriate that our approval lists should change?

I think it's important to keep that list current and short. The less energy we use trying to gain everyone's approval, the more we can use for the really important people on our lists...the ones we love. Don't forget to put yourself on that list, also! Place yourself at the top, because you're going to need to approve of yourself in order to do anything else effectively. Like a lot of important things in life, it's circular.

This doesn't mean that you shouldn't care at all what others think. I believe a certain amount of societal approval is necessary for living with each other. This is a different level of caring, shown in the ways we treat each other. Caring about other people's feelings is important to our continued interactions. Manners and tolerance are ways we adopt to make it easier to live together. These societal "arts" are easily learned, and if practiced often enough, become good habits. It's the bad habit of trying to gain everyone's personal approval that is most destructive to ourselves.

Be honest to and about yourself above all, and the approval that follows will be based on reality, without masks or subterfuge. After all, don't we all want to be liked or loved for who we truly are?

I know I do.

Copyright 1998

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