Tough Love

We wait, we delay, we try alternatives, we give a third and fourth chance, we hope the situation will improve, we invest time and try to manage the person properly, and we build little systems to compensate for their incompetence or misbehavior. All the time and energy spent on that person unfairly siphons energy from the good employees who, in-turn, compensate, resentfully, for the inadequacies of poor performers.

We deliver to the people who achieve when we do not burden them with the people who do not achieve. Our denial and delay is also unfair to the poor performer; we steal a portion of their lives when we are not honest with them.

I learned about “tough love” as a young Secret Service agent. Telling the truth to people in trouble was a core part of the job. I learned about “tough love” in an alcoholism treatment center where staff and patients held me accountable for behavior that would destroy me if it continued. They were honest with me with great compassion, for we are all human. From these experiences I learned that accountability and compassion can go hand-in-hand.

I practiced “tough love” in my management career of 18 years. Early on I made the decision that I wanted to strive for excellence and would not let issues slide. My success always began when I saw situations as they were (not as I wished them to be), put issues on the table and dealt with them immediately and as thoughtfully as I could. Throughout my management career I took on the issues others pretended did not exist. I learned how the avoidance of issues always leads to bigger problems and to failure and deep disappointment. Accountability was a core value of mine. I gave feedback constantly—fun or not.

I strived to become what a Masai elder described a great morani (warrior):

When the moment calls for fierceness, a good morani is very ferocious.
And when the moment calls for kindness, a good morani is utterly tender.
Now what makes a great morani is knowing which moment is which.

Honest feedback is, I believe, the most avoided behavior of a good coach, parent, leader, manager, executive, or supervisor. In the immediate moment, tough love doesn't feel good. None of us wants to hurt others. None of us wants to receive another's anger expressed as a result of our feedback. Sometimes we may fear that our words will lead to a legal problem and/or a union issue.

But, concerns acknowledged, giving performance feedback and being honest with people about how they impact others is a core role of a good coach, parent, leader, manager, and supervisor. And truth is essential for personal and organizational renewal.

It is our responsibility to provide our employees with honest feedback. They are entitled to know our evaluations so they can take action to change or to make other choices about their job. I recall a performance review with a manger of many years. He felt frustrated because he had not been promoted to a higher position. He didn't understand. I told him why. He was furious. As he stormed out of my office he said, “No one ever told me that before.” Some honest conversation years earlier would have helped this talented man plan his career.

I remember testifying in an arbitration hearing. I suspended an employee for two weeks--it was his second. I told him, “I want you to know that you do not have a future at this company.” The union lawyer screamed at me, “Did you tell him he had no future at this company” in an accusatory tone. I replied, “Yes I did. He has no future here, and I wanted him to know so he can plan accordingly.”

We should know how our behavior impacts others. In my experience as a consultant, the largest blind spot I see in leaders at all levels is a lack of awareness of how they impact others. I remember when I was told that I scared people--so obvious in hindsight. I am big, purposeful, and have a strong personality, and, when upset or challenged, can be a tough talker. I didn't realize my impact.

I can't change my essence but with this awareness I made adjustments. People now often tell me how safe they feel in my presence. We change based on feedback from others.

Another example: I did an assessment of an organization in Maine. The leader had led the group through massive structural change that changed their lives in dramatic ways with no awareness of the impact of such change on the people. I prepared a report and sent it to everyone. We met to discuss my observations. An employee expressed how angry he was at the manager. The room went silent. The leader said, “I had no idea how my leadership impacted you. I am so sorry.” This moment of authenticity electrified the room. We had a great session. The leader was changed forever.

We give and receive feedback to learn, to deal with reality, to face tough challenges, and to have honest and authentic relationships. Feedback is an exchange of information that results in change.

Living systems require feedback to renew and to adapt to their environment. Feedback gives us a choice to change or to remain the same. Thoughtful feedback helps us grow and mature as people, employees, team members, and leaders. Feedback helps us get better at what we do and helps us know ourselves better. Feedback creates a context for learning. We will not grow as people or as an organization without honest feedback at all levels of the company.

Lack of feedback may lead to fear, anxiety, confusion, wasted effort, lower work quality, untapped potential, employee performance problems, and the loss of our best employees.

If we do not give feedback, we do not learn. We do not change. We do not get better. We continue destructive, dysfunctional, and inefficient and ineffective behaviors. We do not develop our capabilities. We are less than what we could be. We get frustrated. We burn out. The organization eventually dies without feedback loops to ease learning and growth.

In our organizations we don't talk about issues that hurt and embarrass us, and we don't talk about the fact that we don't talk about those topics. Often we “shoot the messenger." The unwritten rules of many enterprises view conflict as bad. The shadow side of organizations requires denial, conformity, and mediocrity.

Because of organizational and personal dynamics we need to always ask, “What am I pretending not to know?” We make a personal life choice that we will give feedback in all areas of life before small issues become large ones—conversation is one way we “change the world.” We find our courage when we see the value in what we do, join with others for support, and act brave one act at a time. We can deal with any issue we can talk about.

Jack Welch described four types of situations with employees:

A. An employee who lives the values and achieves his/her performance objectives. Reward this employee with opportunity, recognition, and material rewards. Ask them what they need and get out of their way.

B. An employee who lives the values and often misses his/her performance objectives. It is hard to find employees who live your values. Give them additional chances in other roles. Discover their talents and develop their skills and grow their knowledge.

C. An employee who does not live the values and always exceeds his/her performance objectives. Give them feedback on the values issues, put them on notice, and fire them if they continue to not live the values.

D. An employee who does not live the values and competencies and often misses his/her performance objectives. Do them and everyone around them a favor. Help them find another job.

I think of “authentic conversation” as an essential human need, necessary for us to grow, mature, and evolve. If we spent as much time in authentic conversations with people as we do avoiding such conversations, imagine how effective we would be.

If you would like me to send you a free feedback model send an email to tomheu@cableone.net

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