I was once so desperate for a new outfit to wear that I actually broke into another women's house to try to score one. And I swear, I am not making this up. It happened while I was out walking. My sister was getting married the very next day. Big family wedding. Hundreds of judgmental relatives. My brother in law would be video taping. And I had only one nice dressy outfit. Which I had just worn last week when my cousin got married. Big family wedding. Hundreds of relatives. My brother in law was videotaping.

Of course it was possible that with the two events so close together a few of my relatives might decide to wear the same outfits but with different accessories. If they had the nerve. And if they had the nerve than I had the nerve. But what if they didn't have the nerve. Of course they could be thinking the same thing about me. Raelinda is so alternative. She's probably just gonna wear different accessories, if she has the nerve, so why don't we. But what if she doesn't have the nerve.

It was kind of like playing fashion chicken.

Well these were the thoughts that were running through my mind, as I was walking, when I came upon this incredible house. It was huge, and so were it's windows. And there were no curtains so I could see right in. And what I saw was clothes. Beautiful clothes everywhere. And the door was wide open. Because there was a uniformed guard.

Well I was about to just keep on walking when all of the sudden two things happened at once. Actually three. My eye locked onto a deep blue dress hanging just inside the door and the guard turned his back to blow his nose. And I shot through that open door so fast that I barely had time to reach out my hand and grab the dress as I went flying by, right into the heart of the house. I swear, I am not making this up. I heard the guard turn around and I threw the dress over my head like a camouflage cloak and hit the floor, and waited. He took a few steps into the house and then he yawned and stepped back outside. He hadn't even seen me. I was in! Ha!

I pulled the blue dress off my head and took a better look at it. It really was lovely. It was the kind of blue the sky gets when the sun has set but the light still lingers. There were little silver stars embroidered all along the neckline and the hem. And the bodice buttons were fashioned in the shape of crescent moons. Surely a dress like this was meant for me, I reasoned.

The guard was still outside with his back to me so I felt safe to stand up and look around the room. And that's when I saw her. The woman of the house. Oh, not in person. It was her picture hanging on the wall. But I knew it was her because she was wearing the very dress that was holding in my arms. I swear, I am not making this up. My eyes met her eyes and I felt a slight jolt. Definitely a woman of power.

"Raelinda," I said to myself. "This is a sign. I don't know if it's a good sign or a bad sign. But it is definitely a sign."

I looked at the woman in the picture again and I have to admit that instead of feeling guilty for trying to spirit away what was obviously her favorite dress, I was noticing how good that dress looked when it was being worn. And that she had chosen to accessorize the outfit with a long strand of silvery faux pearls with little blue glass beads set every 3rd pearl.

"Now where do you suppose she keeps her necklaces", I thought.

And that was when I made my big mistake. Being greedy. Because once I started to really look around I started noticing that there was a lot of cool stuff in that woman's house. Summer dresses, billowy silk pants, long flowy skirts the color or peacock feathers, and some smart little blazers made of rough woven linen. I forgot about the guard. I starting gliding back and forth across the room like a woman enchanted. I couldn't even feel my own feet. From her picture on the wall the woman of the house tracked me with her eyes. Did the corners of her mouth curve up just a little bit more each time I snatched another garment and added it to the heavy pile overflowing in my arms? I lost track of everything, even time. And then suddenly I heard two voices talking in the doorway. The changing of the guards. I didn't even think. There was an open door set in the wall not two feet from me. I dove through and slammed it behind me and collapsed on the floor under the weight of all the clothes. I was in a tiny room with another picture of the woman of the house. Her eyes met mine and she was smiling. I felt a buzz go all up and down my arms. My body felt clumsy and heavy. I swear, I am not making this up.

"I won't let you spook me," I said out loud. And right in front of her picture I pulled off my own dress and put on hers. Or tried to. It was too small. I couldn't even get half the beautiful buttons to close. Rats. So I tried to put on some of the other clothes I'd grabbed but it was the same deal. Too small. Or way too long, like they'd been made for someone who'd been put on a rack and stretched to twice the length and half the width of a normal mortal woman. It was getting harder and harder to try on the clothes. Something was draining my power.

The woman in the picture was practically laughing out loud. And then I noticed that all around the tiny room were pictures of other women. Her friends. And all of them wearing the clothes I had grabbed, which fit them perfectly.

"Oh, my goddess, Raelinda," I said to myself. "Of all the houses in the world to break into, you've broken into the house of an anorexic witch!"

Well, that was a signal for the woman of the house to launch her attack on me full force. And I have to admit, the attack was brilliant. Even as I felt the last of my power draining away I also felt a little bit of admiration for this women of the house. I was obviously being K O'd by a professional. Because instead of blasting me from the outside in, she hit me just below the surface of my own awareness of myself. There was a mirror in the tiny room and as I watched myself in it, it seemed to me as if my very shape was changing. My body swelled out into this horrible bloated thing. My height compressed down until I looked like a cartoon of a woman. The room seemed to spin around me. Everywhere there were pictures of perfect women laughing at me. I felt myself start to black out. I swear I'm not making this up. But strangely my last thought wasn't about escape. I thought, "What will they think if I'm late for my sister's wedding."

Well, like a tiny chocolate eclair tucked away in the back of a huge wedding dessert buffet, the word 'sister' caught my attention. My sister. All my sisters, biological and otherwise. Beautiful women with real bodies that dipped and curved as if shaped by the flow of ancient waters. Nothing at all like the brittle bodies of the women in the pictures.

The tide turned and my power came rushing back into me. I stood up straight and pulled my own dress back on. And then I gathered up all the clothes in my arms like they were a pile of trash and walked out the door. The guard was waiting for me with another woman. The woman reached for the clothes and said, "Will you be taking any of these today, ma'am?"

"No thank you," I said, "they're all dry clean only." And then I left the store and went home to pick out some creative accessories for my sister's wedding.

But I have to admit that since that day I have tried that very caper again, on several occasions. But I've never been able to walk into a clothing store, with it's pictures of stretched out models who looked nothing like me, and it's stingily cut clothes, made for no one like me, without feeling like I was somehow breaking into another women's house.

And I swear, I'm not making this up.