Sometimes people really aggravate me. Okay, yes, so when don't they, right? Well, considering I'm into the practice of `Do onto others...' and all that good stuff, I should probably not feel frustration and aggravation, right? More wrong than you know, I'm only human after all. And sometimes the messed up relations and communications between people (which I often think of as the human politic, just because it's so incredibly screwed up, not necessarily because it is political) just make me want to rage at someone. Which would do no good what-so-ever, except for releasing some of the tension in the coil of my spine.

I've got other ways of releasing that tension, I won't go into that right now, but tension relievers are such important things that I should give them some thought in the future...

Part of the aggravation comes from the fact that I am looking upon a problem that I have faced time and time again, but haven't really figured out the best way to fix it. Sometimes I like to compare life to a math problem. When you don't have an answer sheet to compare what you get to, it's hard to know if you are in fact correct. If it is a complicated enough problem (and life most often is) double checking is a bitch! And if you made the mistake once, whose to say you'll pick up on it the next time around.

Here's the problem, it's when two people that you know and like are at odds. They both talk and think negatively of the other one. And if they just did that, by themselves, I wouldn't necessarily have a problem with it. But when it comes out around me I find myself suddenly in this awful place. They have created two sides and the basic expectation is for you to choose. I hate that.

I rarely like to take a side, it alienates. When you are opposed to someone they tend to view you as their enemy. Hell, if you aren't in agreement with someone they will often become just a bit more tense and hostile to you. At least when it is about something that they hold close to their beings, if it is in a light spirit about tiny things no one really cares. But that's not what I'm talking about here.

What I'm talking about is when someone is hurt by the actions of another. It becomes a me versus them thing. And next thing you know, it can become an `are you with me or against me?' thing. Perhaps not in so many words, but the spirit can be felt.

And one of the worst parts is that it could very easily be true that the actions of the other have caused feelings to be hurt. It could be true that the other was being cruel, perhaps without realizing it. A mistake, shall we say. This is possible.

Unfortunately, I see these possibilities, so when I am put to the question, `Isn't he/she an asshole?' I can hardly say `Yes.' without reservations. I can see how he/she could seem like it at times, and certainly perhaps this time, but they aren't like that all the time. And that is the part that really needs to be communicated. No, he/she is not really evil, not necessarily malicious, scheming, maybe there is something that just needs to be worked with here.

This is a hard thing to put across to some people at some times. As soon as that drawing of the lines of battle occurs it becomes difficult to deal with. In the past I used to affirm other people's thoughts because that is what I thought they needed. Yes, he can be like that and I can see how you could feel this way. I can understand this.

Most important is the fact that I believe anger can be a healthy thing. And I believe that everyone holds it to one degree or another. And in some people it controls them when it gets out of an oppressive lock-and-key. In others they can feel it and try to work with it and learn from it and they can live with it a lot better. But that is my take on anger, and I am saying it because I think it can be a good thing.

So I think people should express anger when they feel it and not be controlled by it. Which is why when I hear that someone feels this way because this happened, I will respond that I would feel exactly the same way would the same situation happen to me.

There is a distinction here that I must begin to make clear in my conversations. The distinction is this. I would feel the same way if and only if the situation had happened to me. I must not imply that I think that this person is right and the other one is wrong. The only time I could be the judge of some such thing as that would be if I knew in intimate detail all the facts and causes of the whole situation. And I think that is fairly well impossible, therefore I could not be such a judge.

It is the clear communication of this distinction that must be the next goal. Miscommunication happens too often already.

(Copyright 9/1/97 by David Langer - No reproduction without express permission from the author)