The Challenge of Unconditional Love

Love. It's that ideal state of being we've all read about, written about, suffered over, and pondered forever. As a force in the universe, it has inspired many to reach remarkable heights. I always assumed I knew all about it until I stumbled upon the concept of "unconditional love." Then I knew I had some growing to do!

This whole idea of loving unconditionally exposed my weaknesses in regard to love. Oh, it's pretty easy to have high affinity for someone who returns it in kind. It's easy to love a child, even a tantrum-throwing one, because I can look at the child as innocent and pure. It is easy to love my own kids, my wife, and my friends. Expanding it from there is where I started hitting some walls. Did I find some beliefs! Yes, and a pile of judgments to go with them.

At some point, I decided that maintaining compassion and a high degree of affinity would be a desirable way to interact with others. Don't get me wrong. I've never been a hateful, totally aloof person. However, I've run into enough demonstrations of hostility, apathy, and general coldness to inadvertently assume the belief that it is sometimes better to keep one's distance in such situations.

So I did some soul searching and came up with some "new" ideas (or I could say that I "rediscovered" some ideas I had forgotten). My line of thinking began with the idea that we are all a part of God, or All That Is. That naturally led me to the idea that as I treat others, I also treat myself. To deny my love for others is to separate myself from others. If I do that, wouldn't I be getting farther away from communion with God in my life? To withdraw is to become smaller, to become less. I'd be taking less responsibility for myself and for others-shrinking rather than expanding. I desired to grow.

I recently read that if you want to be something you are not (in my case, unconditionally loving), the thing to do is act like the thing you want to be, and this will bring about the thoughts, beliefs and feelings which will manifest your new chosen beingness. I really liked that idea. So I went out into the world with my new attitude. The responses have been anything but universal. Some have been suspicious, some apathetic, some friendly, and some have been overjoyed at being treated as more than a turnstile on the path.

I stopped by the home of an old neighbor. He's 88 now, and I hadn't seen him in twenty years. He didn't even remember me! However, we got to talking and he practically refused to let me and my daughter leave. The visit was special for both of us. We shared many things, and I learned a great deal. As we spoke, I could sense that my visit had lessened his loneliness and his feeling of isolation. I began to realize that at his age, there weren't too many old friends around for him anymore, and that his contact with neighbors was probably minimal as well. For a moment, I saw myself in the guise of an old man, and realized how little we really change from birth to old age-at least in terms of our deepest feelings. Then, this wonderful magical feeling came over us. We dropped all focus on our differences and became simply two spirits sharing life and finding great joy in that. He lifted my spirits, and I lifted his. That feeling of Oneness was very real in those moments. The visit was a high mark on the unconditional love meter.

I've had some interesting experiences with cashiers. I chose cashiers as an example because of the neutrality of the basic interaction between the person at the register and the customer paying for the goods. It has become a robotic and mindless routine with separation well maintained. Well, what if our natural state is being unconditionally loving? I decided to take that approach with cashiers and see what came of it.

From the point of view of a cashier in a busy place, humanity must seem like a never-ending river of 30-second relationships. One right after the other, with customers usually in a hurry to get their purchases rung up and bagged so that they can get to the next portion of their day. There's no time to stop and chew the fat like in the days of the old general store.

I figured it would be fun to not act like the typical customer. Since the first step of expanding one's affinity is to take an interest in the other person, I started asking questions or making comments. I'd try anything to open up a line of communication. Some welcomed affinity, while others seemed instantly suspicious, but more often than not, I got a positive reaction.

So what does this have to do with unconditional love?

At first, when I got a somewhat cold response, the old judgmental part of myself would start to evaluate the other person. My judgment served to insulate myself from the "bad" feeling of having love rejected. Then I noticed how the judgment also caused a separation to occur. I determined that if I was to keep going down this worn-out path, unconditional love was a place I was never going to reach.

I also noticed the difference between judgment and observation. Judgment colors love, while observation is simply seeing what is there. Observation allows love or affinity to remain constant, while judgment has a lessening effect.

Back to the drawing board. I asked myself why this was "working" sometimes but not at other times. I came up with two things rather quickly. First of all, I wasn't practicing unconditional love! By definition, it is unconditional! I was still expecting something in return. Second, every person had a different concept of their self-worth. Those who loved themselves were able to experience more love from others than those who felt that they didn't deserve love from any source. It was up to me to stop taking another's concept of self-worth in a personal manner.

I visited my regular business stops. The woman at the shop where I buy bagels and coffee has her good days and bad days. I let her be what she is being, on any given morning. On her "bad" days, I found that if I didn't react to her "mood" and kept on being what I was and remained positive, I at least created some small, good feeling. On her "good" days, we've had some great talks. When the cashier at the grocery store looked a little fed up, I'd find some way to start a conversation and leave her, hopefully, with another way of looking at the day. I refused to separate myself and got into the experience.

There is nothing like the feeling of having your existence validated. Regardless of where we place ourselves on the scale of self-love, it is always a bit earth-shattering to have someone demonstrate that you are OK just as you are-and worthy of being loved. That is the energy that inspires and unites us all. It is powerful stuff, this unconditional love.

I'm still working on it. As a child, I had it down cold. There were no judgments and beliefs to cloud the issue. I loved everybody! So what changed? Forty-seven years of learning how to judge and to become separate, and buying into ideas which made me feel something less than the being I am.

These days, I am taking all negative experience and treating it as an opportunity to learn. I am isolating and reviewing all this baggage I have been carrying around. Bit by bit, I am creating a new me. Each day, I get a little closer to being able to embrace this challenge of loving unconditionally. Essentially, it is loving yourself unconditionally as much as it is loving others unconditionally. The two ideas go hand in hand.

When I am in the moment, actually doing it, the feeling is absolutely fantastic. I am at peace with myself, and One with everything and everyone. I still stumble. I still get distracted and lose my focus. Yet as I continue on, amazing things are happening. I'm feeling more connected to the world and less separate. I stop to listen more and have more enriching life experiences. To use an overused but workable phrase, I feel more "in tune" with the world when I experience it through the eyes of love.

My daughter Jessica had a friend over today. He's a 10-year-old kid named Keegan, who is full of curiosity and life. I struck up a conversation with him, and we had a wonderful talk. It was a high point in the day. Later, when Jessica and I went out for a walk, she asked if I liked Keegan. I said yes, that I liked him very much. She said, "Keegan likes you a lot too. He thinks you are really cool!" A few months ago, I might have blown right by such an opportunity to share something with a kid. I started thinking this unconditional love concept might be the key to the universe!

I'm starting to have a greater sense of peace as well. To the degree that I stop being judgmental, I become that much more accepting of others. The more I can accept others, the greater my appreciation grows for this grand diversity of personalities and all the manifestations of those personalities. Each of us are different brushstrokes from the hand of Creation. The sum total is a range of experience that is infinite, and I am finding that I am enjoying the painting quite a bit these days.

Within this seemingly simple exercise, there are hundreds of truths unfolding and many new connections being formed. Reading about it is one thing. Actually doing it is something else. I have not completed the journey, but, like they say, getting there is half the fun!