In my search to understand my own actions as well as other people's, I unearthed a metaphysical approach that shot deep under the layers of teenage angst and ooze that enveloped my heart. I discovered lots of other people searching for something they had never been given, equality.
I journeyed through web sites and read screen after screen of information and conjectures. I struggled with self-inflicted torture brought on by years of mind-numbing religious programming. All this is wrong, I would think, agonized by the thought of it NOT being true. How could the world be a place of learning instead of a valley of fear? Where would I pray if the One was myself? Would I go the Hell or come back as an ant? Life-sucking fear reached out and consumed me. If the world was not like I thought then I had no idea where I was in relation to it.
I woke many nights, terrified of death. If I reincarnate, I still won't be myself, I'll not remember. This thought was as intimidating as Hell had been. Each conscious moment of my day was spent analyzing what I was doing, saying. If I didn't know I had said the wrong thing, would karma still apply? Is it better to say nothing? Was life merely suffering? Is pain all? Then I woke up.
Remembering long ago at the start of my spiritual journey, a chaotic book series that changed the way I viewed the world, I stopped worrying. All the questions dried up into one single interrogatory, is this part of me?
I once again departed on a journey of investigation. Seeking a valid truth that was already an undiscovered part of me. Each tiny nugget found was tasted and remembered. Truths that were in the center of my heart came to light. Chapters of books, screens of information, and lines of message boards became a sacred part of my journey. Who knew when the truth would appear?
My first spell book/workbook was an incredible journey into the depth of my commitment. Despite my initial misgivings, I completed the workbook and kept up with the journal. I found from this experience that not only was magick real but that I was magick. I took the pieces that were part of me and walked on down the path.
The trees drew me into their space. I heard them talking as if I were still a child. I studied their writings and mythology and came upon my first spiritual experience in a long time. My name was Tree. Not by choice or mystical drawing but by simple knowing. I sought more, and discovered Woodhenge and Druidism. I pulled everything I could find about these things towards me and researched till I was satisfied. There might be more there, but I took the pieces that were part of me and strode down the woodland path.
Convinced that I had eclectic tendencies, I did simple research into pantheons of different cultures. How could I not be drawn to personalities that had pulled cultures together for thousands of years? They reigned in hearts before the dawn of so-called Enlightenment and kept entire nations from despair. I picked and pieced, pasting tidbits where they would do the most good. Smiling at the golden sun through the leaves, I strode eagerly down the woodland path.
Unexpectedly, I came to a crossroad. Chaos and illusion descended out of my past and reached for me. I created my first construct. I worked my own spell system. I did magick, more magick, then more magick. I discovered that I had an energy all my own. If I only wished it, things would happen. Perhaps there is a place where learning is tested, for me, this was it. Again, I absorbed and remembered.
The sun shone through the trees as I walked quickly down the woodland path -- all the while eating a hot dog. Arrival never happens I hope. If this journey should end, then the world would be no more. Life is not suffering or illusion, life is a journey with hope as it's only destination. As I walk down this woodland path hoping for a companion, I conjure all the images of my past that would like to defeat me. With a simple wish, they melt away and I am the One.