It's all about choices or just being able to look at the big picture. I haven't done that well. I will suddenly hear the call... that voice that says... it's time fly south... time to cross the tundra... time to go over here now. So I walk to the edge and take that leap of faith... never quite sure where I will land. However, lately I've been unable to make that leap of faith. A lot of it has to do a new and intense fear of lack.
My most recent choice was to get my master's degree. A very exhausting experience that left me unable to remember why I wanted it in the first place. Now I realize that until I know I am "good enough" there will always be one more hoop, one more rung on the ladder. And there are all those tribal issues we carry... stepping out of the tribe to be who you really are has its own repercussions. The journey has been unpredictable. After some very interesting career/job moves I finally thought I had it all. I owned an art gallery on a beautiful tropical island. After years of being alone, I was married to a man I believed was the most supportive person to ever come into my life. Then the dark night settled over me... the dark night of my soul. I even know when it blanketed me.
I was sitting cross-legged during sunrise, where I sat every morning in front of huge beautiful windows that looked out at the sea, meditating and giving thanks for life. I would hold out my hands with my palms up and imagine a bright shining light pouring in to my hands and filling me, cleansing me. I have meditated for more years then I can count but that day was different. A dark cloud, distant at first, moved slowly in until it blocked out the light. Days and weeks passed and it wouldn't go away. I didn't know what to do, so I just ignored it... and finally stopped trying to focus on bringing in light and turned entirely to prayer.
I couldn't interpret the darkness. I didn't know what it meant. I look back now and wonder... was it a warning? If I had gone into the darkness, would I have been able to predict and prepare? Was there a part of my life that was unbalanced? Was I going to be tested at the very depth of my being? Was there something I was suppose to be doing and wasn't?
I still wonder if I brought it all on myself. I had fasted and prayed for four days and nights on a hill in South Dakota. Each day I spent praying for a specific group or family or friends. I participated in the sun dance. I felt honored and blessed. I didn't pray for myself, I just I offered myself to the universe and said I was ready to serve. See me where you need me was my prayer. It wasn't as if I didn't know what could happen. People told me to be careful, said my life would never to be the same again, and they were right.
There have been terrible losses, treasures sunk beneath sand and coral, an entire restructuring of my life in ways I would have never imagined. Many lessons... an unexpected divorce, the loss of support system, financial deterioration, sudden and unexpected death of a daughter, new career choices and on and on and on. I have faced almost every fear that I have ever had. Even though there has been unpredictable yet positive restructuring of my life's path... my destiny, I shudder over the thought of taking the next inevitable leap of faith.
Every now and then I catch glimpses of light coming through... but there is still residue left by the dark night. Getting the master's degree has brought me more attention. People look at my resume and say, this is wonderful; you have such wonderful experience and credentials. Then they hire the PhD. I thought I had won the lottery when I managed to get a year's contract for 20 to 30 hours a week in health education as an alcohol, tobacco and other drug counselor. But I'm not sure now... not motivated... and am procrastinating about the preparation, fearing there is still yet another change knocking at the door.
Unbeknownst to me, my ex-husband purchased the house I have leased for five years and where I have my office. He now wants it for his mother. So, he becomes once again the catalyst for change and I'm at the edge... looking out... more apprehensive and wondering, when do I jump... when do I dare, what will the universe take and what will I have to give... where will I land... what is the gift... what shall I receive?
I'm growing weary of changes, and a big part of me just wants to sit on a rock or maybe hide behind it and stare out at the sea... move as far north as I can... become a falconer... raise goats. I breathe a lot these days remembering the only thing I truly share with the entire universe is my breath... so I breathe... I breathe... I breathe... and struggle to enjoy the ride, knowing deep down in every cell of my body that everything will really be okay.