Sure as I am that I am going to die, I really don't look forward to it. Oh yeah, maybe I know that it will happen sometime, but I can't do anything about it. I may be able to change how it will occur but nothing more. That's the thing with me. I can picture myself dying but anything beyond that blurs my mind. Very much so. My best friend says that death is the natural end to life. Yes, that may be...but did I ask to exist? I'm sure it's great to be living and all, but sometimes it makes me wonder "Is it worth it?"
A lot of the time I answer my own question with a simple "No." It's just something I don't want to deal with. Most people who begin thinking that way end up committing suicide. Most likely they just give up under the moment's pressure. They don't think ahead in their lives and see what they can do to change the situation. It's a given that a little hard work may be required and I'm sure that some of those people look at that and are egged on to just forget about it. But look at the end result; a family left with bills, funeral expenses, most of the time an incredible mess as well, and distraught friends and family. It's not really a pretty sight. I've seen it.
One morning I arrived for school. Everything looked normal to me until I entered the building. I looked around and all my school mates were grouped together, closer than normal. I was a bit confused when I greeted my friends, who looked extremely sad.
"What the hell is going on?" I asked, glancing around at young girls who were crying softly, teachers who were sobbing loudly, and young men who were quietly musing about. Granted, I was quite in the dark on what was happening, maybe it should have been clear to even me at the time...but it wasn't.
"Michael is dead." My friend James quietly remarked. I could see how moist his eyes were and I didn't say anything more. All my friends there were distressed over this. The only problem was that I hadn't known much about Michael, other than the gossip that passed my ears...which was very little. After I had heard all the details I could see the reason for everyone's seriousness.
Apparently Michael had awoken that morning and entered his garage. He took a circular saw off a shelf and placed it upside down on a table. In the next instant Michael turned it on and leaned forward until the teeth bit into his neck. I couldn't, and to this day still can't, figure out why he did it and what could have possibly made him want to kill himself, especially in that fashion. None of us will ever know. That's one of the big tragedies of suicide. Nobody can tell why it happened and people tear themselves apart over it.
I remember thinking how unfortunate it was for Michael's family to lose their only son. His death made me step back and think about what was happening to our lives. No one at our age thought about death. It was just something that had never been thought over deeply. But to me it seemed that either Michael was either so severely depressed that he didn't quite understand his own actions and their immediate consequences, or he deeply understood death to it's entirety. The latter didn't and still doesn't seem quite likely to me. Ask me why and I can't tell you, only that is just how it seems.
The rest of that day at school it was utter chaos at it's worst. Students and teachers wailing and moaning and carrying on, even those who didn't know him well. With the exception of me. I probably looked deeper into what was happening than anyone else around me. Yes, I am aware how self-centered that sounds but it is said that truth is stranger than fiction. I can live with that.
Michael was a young boy, thirteen years old, and was well liked around our school. What was a surprise to everyone was how he could do this. His friends had no forewarning of that morning's events and the aftermath it caused. His family didn't know about it until it was done. If you were to sit down and just let your mind cover the vastness of death you would spend the rest of your life contemplating what it really means to die. To die is to end life. Who can disagree with that? Nobody. But think further than that. When you die what happens? Questions arise.
Is there really such a thing as the soul? Does a soul go to Heaven or Hell? Does either even exist or are they just deliberately misconceived imaginings of our subconscious mind that give us something to view when we ask this question? Who's to know? We can deliberate these questions and more until we grow old and gray chewing our pre-gummed food from the local geezer store and still come out with the same conclusion: It is impossible for our minds, both conscious and subconscious, to grasp this on a higher plain. True, some may be able to grasp some of it in small amounts, but in general people can't understand death and its after effects without bringing preconceived notions into effect, such as Heaven or God. Yes, I may be young...only sixteen years of age...but, it is still possible I have understood some of the meaning of death.
Death is a subject that many people dislike talking about. They think this is for a good reason. I beg to differ. Keeping things inside, especially feelings about death, can lead to just that. Death. Just thinking about it momentarily and thinking, "No. I don't want to deal with that." can harbor future problems. Your mind will always return to thoughts of death, whether you want to or not. The moment of truth comes when you decide whether to let it continue, or shut it away yet again and go about your day. I admire people who fear death, yet accept it, and are still interested in life.
It's the same process used when your mind turns to thoughts of sex. This is another subject that many people shy away from. It has been deemed "Socially Unacceptable" in America. Not that I agree with that idea in any way at all, but with so many people believing that that is how it seems to me. I have a different outlook on sex...most different than the average working guy who lives in Suburbia. But I do not let my views try and influence other people into thinking what I want them to think. If we each can begin to deeply consider the many aspects of life on our own that a lot of others shove deep into the corner of a closet somewhere in western Ohio, then I will believe that what needs to be happening to change people for the better has a solid start.
Whatever people want to think can be kept to themselves if they wish. I have no quarrel with that. But it is a great start for us when we can look deeper into ourselves and reach far beneath the surface to bring forth a new and far greater self.