From Genesis to Revelation:
One Man's Journey Into Light

Gawd mourned the loss of Julia for some time. Indeed, he always carried a memory of her with him, remembering her goodness and kindness and wholesome beauty, and regretting that he would never have the chance to know her better. There were legal ramifications for him to face as a result of the girl's death and the fact he had accompanied her to the site of an illegal abortion. He pointed police to the "clinic," but the "doctor" had long since cleared out.

There was some talk of charging Gawd with one thing or another, but Aunt Rose surprised him and came to his rescue, explaining that he'd had a rather rough start in life and just kept getting into difficult situations through no honest-to-goodness fault of his own. She promised to keep the boy in church and on the straight and narrow, if they just gave him another chance. It was the first time Gawd realized that Aunt Rose might not be the old battleaxe everyone in town, including him, thought her to be.

It was about this time that Sid, who thought the whole affair with Julia was just about the neatest, keenest thing in the world, moved away. Even though people'll tell you there's slim chance of reconciliation after a divorce is final, that's what happened with Sid's parents. Sid's mom kept the light burning, always sure that her wayward husband would tire of the great sex and again want something more substantial. At least that's the way Sid put it - and she was right. Sid said she really made him crawl. He had to sleep on the couch and live like a monk for the longest time. No sex for him. That's what Sid said.

But no matter what the circumstances of Sid's father's sex life, Sid and his mom moved back to the city, leaving Gawd behind. It was sort of anti-climactic when he moved, because he hadn't been around much anyway. Sid had taken to the girls when they'd gotten into high school and spent most of his time constantly manouvering for position on a new conquest.

Gawd went through the next couple of years of high school pretty much on his own and continued to feel awkward around girls. He played some basketball one year and joined the chess club the next. It wasn't that he purposefully avoided people, for he associated with people who might possibly be called friends, but he was close to no one. He read a lot, just about anything he could get his hands on. He had a part-time job at a food market and spent evenings playing gin rummy with Aunt Rose and watching hockey and baseball on TV.

Early in Grade 12, though, his life changed. He'd decided to get involved with the school newspaper and was attending the first meeting of its staff. He was sitting in one of the desks in Room 115, when someone asked if they could sit beside him. It was a girl's voice, and when he looked to see who the speaker was, his life changed forever.

"Hi, mind if I sit here?" she said brightly, as she sat down in the desk next to him.

"No," he answered, wondering if she would have left if he'd said yes. He was struck by the girl's appearance, thinking how good she looked, and wondering why he hadn't seen her around the school before.

"I'm Janet," she said, extending her hand.

He introduced himself. "Just move to town?" he asked, but the meeting was getting started, and all he got was a head-shake that answered no.

The editor explained to the staff that this was a big year for the paper: there were some big issues facing the school population, and it would be up to them to see that the student body was kept well informed about those issues. He would be counting on them to search out the truth - to look in every locker - to leave no question unasked in that search.

After the fervent speech, story assignments were handed out. Gawd got the librarian, who was celebrating his twenty-fifth anniversary in that esteemed position. He shrugged his shoulders. He'd not been in the library since the start of school, and that was unusual. You usually got sent there for one school assignment or another. This would give him a good excuse to drop by the place just to make sure he could still find out everything he ever wanted to know about the Magna Carta, or some other boring piece of stuff. He usually didn't find very interesting stuff in the school library and had wondered why they didn't carry any of the popular new books. Maybe he'd have a chance to find out.

"Did you get a good story?" the girl beside him asked after the formal part of the meeting had ended.

"Yeah, it's okay, I guess," he answered, turning to face her. He was again struck by her. Feelings that had not stirred for some time arose at just being so close to her. He felt himself flush and felt embarrassed, but didn't know why.

"I got the new director of education," she said.

"Really," he answered. "That sounds like a good story."

"I don't even know what he does," she said. "All I want to do is get some poetry published in the paper -- that's why I joined the staff."

"You write poetry?" he asked.

"I try," she replied.

"Me too," he replied, for he had written a few pieces of poetry over the past couple of years.

"Really," she said. "I'd like to read some sometime."

"I'm not sure it's very good," he answered, and was sure he spoke the truth. "But maybe if you let me read some of yours, I'll let you have a look at mine."

"Sounds good," she said.

While they'd been talking, most of the people in the room had cleared out. Gawd was glad they'd lingered because he was enjoying her company, and felt pleased they had discovered common ground so soon after meeting.

The girl looked around and expressed surprise. "I guess we should go," she said.

"Yeah, I guess," Gawd said with a bit of a sigh.

"So, you're new here?" he asked, as they walked toward the door.

"Not really," she answered. "I wasn't here last year because I was an exchange student in Germany."

"I've heard of you," he said. "They used to read parts of your letters over the P.A. last year. It sounded like you had a pretty good time."

"It was a good time," she said. "It was a strange time, because I made such close friendships over there that I didn't want to leave, but I couldn't wait to get back here to see my family either."

"You got a German boyfriend, I suppose," Gawd said, with a trace of sarcasm in his voice. They were standing in the nearly-deserted hallway outside the room.

"I think not," she answered, with a trace of indignation in her voice.

There was a pause after the exchange, but neither moved, as if both wanted to remain together and were trying to think of a new piece of conversation. Then, they both started at once, interrupting each other, and sputtering into silence and another pause. Both laughed.

"How about a cherry coke?" he asked, smiling.

"Sure," she said. "Down at Paul's?"

"Yeah," he answered.

He went to the after-school hangout - something he didn't usually do - with a girl, something else he usually didn't do. It was funny. He felt comfortable with this girl - as he had with Julia. She seemed as pure and noble as Julia had been, and he found himself in a state of excited anticipation while in her company. It felt so good that he wanted it always.

As soon as they had parted, she to her home, he to his, he wanted to be with her again, to have her close to him so he would feel that excitement.

"How could I have missed you in the earlier grades?" he asked her at one point.

"I've changed a bit," she answered.

He searched out her picture in the year book and imagined that she had changed, in two short years had gone from being girl to woman. And how could that be? He asked other acquaintances if they'd known her, and all said they remembered her from those earlier days. Had he been blind to have not seen her?

He went to see the librarian in the morning, before school started – despite the fact he wanted to search out Janet. He thought he should get the interview over with, write the story, and hand it in to the editor. Then, maybe he'd get another story, and it might be more interesting than the stuffy old librarian. The librarian suggested they could meet after school. Great, thought Gawd, another missed opportunity. He likely wouldn't see her on this day.

He didn't see her in the halls during the day, and he reported to the library right after school, so supposed he had lost his chance. Still, he tried to get enthusiastic about the interview. After all, this guy, Mr. Smedges, was about to get his moment in the spotlight after toiling among stacks of dusty, mostly uninteresting books for what seemed an eternity.

He asked the usual questions – Did he remember his first day on the job? What did he like about being a librarian? What was his favourite book? – those kinds of things. And he got the usual answers.

"What about some of the more modern books, Mr. Smedges?" he asked rather innocently.

"We think most of the modern books are unsuitable for young minds," Mr. Smedges answered, a formal tone to his voice.

"Really," Gawd commented, as he scribbled down the reply. "And how are books selected for the library?" he asked.

"Most books are requested by the teachers for courses," Mr. Smedges answered.

"So, if they're requested by a teacher you order them?" Gawd asked.

"No, they have to go to the selection committee of the board," Mr. Smedges answered. "If they're cleared at that level, and we have the money in the budget – and I approve of the book's content – then we order it."

Gawd thought for a moment. "Do the students have any input into getting books?" he asked.

"No, not really," Mr. Smedges answered. "I'm not sure most young people would know what they should be reading."

"Really," Gawd commented, finding this an interesting bit of information.

There was a pause in the exchange, as Gawd seemed unsure what to ask, and the librarian sat stiffly in his oaken office chair.

"Well," Gawd said, breaking into the silence cautiously, "I guess I should be going. I've got to help my aunt fix supper." He got up and gathered up his notes, backing toward the door. "Thanks," he said, as he turned, opened the door, and exited into the main part of the library.

He hadn't walked far when he saw Janet sitting at one of the study tables, a pile of books to one side of her. He veered straight toward her with never a second thought.

"Hi," he whispered, sitting heavily in the chair beside her.

She looked up, somewhat startled. "Oh, hi," she whispered back, smiling. "I thought I was pretty well the last person left in the school."

"Naw, I was here interviewing Smedges," he answered.

"How did it go?" she asked.

"I never realized what a horse's ass that man is," Gawd answered. "You wouldn't believe some of the stuff he told me."

"Really," she said, her eyebrows arched.

"Quiet," intoned a harsh, loud whisper from across the room.

They sat quietly for a moment.

"I shouldn't bother you," Gawd said.

"I was just quitting," she answered. "I can't hack this stuff today. How about a cherry coke?"

He flushed when she asked – it was the first time in his life he'd been asked such a question by such a person. "Sure," he blurted almost immediately.

"Quiet, please," repeated the voice, more loudly than before.

"Meet you outside," Gawd said under his breath, and he headed for the door.

"Helping your aunt fix supper?" asked Mr. Smedges.

"Just on my way," he lied, as he whisked out of the library.

Soon they were sitting in Paul's, sipping on cherry cokes, and munching a bag of chips.

"He actually said that students shouldn't be able to choose their own books?" she was asking, incredulous.

"Yes," Gawd answered. "He thinks most modern books are trash, and he holds the ultimate power over what's in the library."

"God, that's scary," she said. "I'm not sure how I thought the books in the library were getting there – I guess I never really thought about it much."

"Haven't you ever noticed what boring junk they have in there?" he asked.

"I guess," she answered. "But what other books are there?"

"That's just the point," he answered, perhaps more vehemently than was necessary. "Most of us will never know." He paused. "I've got to talk to Mr. Love."

"Why?" she asked.

"Because he's head of the English Department," he answered. "I want to see if he ever gets any of the books he wants.........and you've got to do me a favour," he added, a sense of urgency in his voice.

"What?" she asked, with a puzzled look on her face.

"You haven't interviewed the director of education yet, have you?" he asked.

"No," she answered.

"You can ask him a couple of book questions for me," Gawd said. "Get his opinion."

She smiled slyly. "What have you got in mind?" she asked.

"We could have a quite a story on our hands," Gawd said.

They did have quite a story on their hands. It sparked a student walk-out and created all sorts of uproar, with students and parents jamming the monthly, usually-deserted board meeting and hollering obscenities at the new director of education.

Life was never the same for Gawd after that, but it wasn't just the story -- it was the girl. After the experience with the school library story, the two spent considerable time together. They shared their poetry and their thoughts with one another, and it was a time of peaceful bliss for Gawd – one of those special times that came so rarely. Even Aunt Rose noticed a difference, as he was even overly helpful and considerate around the house.

Perhaps not all was perfection, though. Gawd wondered that there was nothing physical between them. Although he certainly desired her, she had given him no proof that she felt that same desire for him. While they were always together, they were also always apart, and he wondered about this.

"There is nothing finer than a purely platonic relationship," she said to him one day over cherry cokes. And she wrote about it in her poetry. He wasn't sure he agreed, but he wanted their relationship to be absolutely pure, so hid his wants and desires.

Still, he wanted to reach out to her, put his arms around her and have her with him, but he made no move to do so, not knowing what the reaction would be. He feared it might mean an end to that which they already had. He worried, though, that she might, at some point, have a change of heart and desire physical contact but think he wanted nothing to do with it and that he also felt there was nothing finer than a purely platonic relationship. So then he imagined she would leave him for the arms of another.

He resisted until the relationship was several months old. He was sure that was what she wanted. Then, there was a ski trip planned by the school during the winter break. She'd done quite a bit of skiing during her year in Germany and thought the trip might be fun. He had no urge to travel to a ski lodge for a week of drinking and unfettered merriment. It just wasn't his style. It was the first time there was a real crisis in their relationship.

"Why don't you come?" she asked, as they sat in a booth at Paul's.

"I'm just not interested," he answered. "You tell me how going on a ski trip is an educational experience and what I'd get out of it." He was being sarcastic, but he really didn't want to go.

"You might learn not to be so anti-social," she answered, and he could tell by her tone of voice that she was partly kidding, but partly serious as well.

"I just don't like that stuff," he said.

"You're too serious all the time," she said. "You need to get away and have some fun."

"And exactly what is the point of fun?" he asked.

She looked angrily away. "You're impossible," she said, without looking at him.

"Look, you go and have a good time," he said. "I'll stock up on some books for the break and I'll be fine." But he didn't feel fine and wished she was staying here for the break. It would be the first time since they'd been together that he'd have to go so long without seeing her. He hated the thought of it.

To make matters worse, a couple of weeks later, he agreed to accompany her to an after-school meeting to discuss the details of the trip. Gawd saw all the other guys who were going on the trip and thought every one of them looked like a large, erect penis sitting at a desk. He knew it was a stupid thought, but it stuck with him.

As the trip drew closer, he thought she was avoiding him. She wanted to go to a school dance, even though they'd discussed dances shortly after they'd met, and she'd agreed they were far overblown in their level of importance. He reluctantly agreed to go to the dance with her, but refused to dance once they got there, his usual custom. She stayed with him for most of the night but did accept a couple of invitations to dance. While she danced, Gawd hung back sullenly in the darkness under the end of the bleachers. When they parted for the evening, after he'd walked her to her door, she seemed angry with him. He wasn't sure why. He didn't see her at all for the rest of that weekend.

He went to see her off at five in the morning when she was leaving on the ski trip. He thought it was the least he could do to show her that he'd accepted her decision to go on the trip. They stood so formally as they said their farewells – or that was what he thought. He wanted to embrace her and say farewell as a lover, not as a mere friend. But he could not tell her for fear that he might lose her – or that was what he thought.

He felt a shaft of pain pierce his heart as he watched her take a seat next to one of the guys he knew from school -- only he didn't see much of the guy sitting beside her, only that part of him that was possible cause for worry.

He tried to rationalize as he walked toward home, the sun just a glimmer on the early-morning horizon. There was nothing between them – they were only good friends – bosom buddies in a purely platonic relationship. That was what he told himself as he walked toward home. There was no reason to be jealous, because that was obviously the emotion he was feeling. He didn't know what she felt for him, and why should he be jealous when there could probably never be anything between them anyway? That was what he told himself. But it did no good. He felt miserable.

A couple of days passed and he tried to read, as he had planned, but found it difficult and was easily distracted. He made little headway and thought he heard nothing but ski reports on the radio. He thought of her often – was perhaps obsessed with her, more than he had been when he had been constantly in her company and she had not been on any dumb, old ski trip.

Late in the evening of her third day away, the phone rang. Aunt Rose was out at bingo, so Gawd hurried to the kitchen to answer it.

"Hello," he said.

"Hi," her voice said.

There was a pause. He felt his heart race. "What's wrong?" he asked, not knowing why he asked that particular question.

"I called to see how you were doing -- how your reading was coming along," she said.

"Oh, I'm doing fine" he said, knowing there must be something else on her mind. "I've read eight books so far. I've put a hold on the R's at the library for the last three days of the week."

She didn't laugh at his joke. There was silence.

"How's it going?" he asked, still wondering why she'd called.

"I'm not sure," she answered. He heard a man's voice in the background ask, "Who are you talking to?" "I've got to go," she said.

"Yeah, it sounds like it," he replied, and he had already hit bottom.

"Sorry to bother you," she said.

"Hope you're having a good time," he said, but he surely didn't mean it.

That night was perhaps the longest night of his life, or so it felt as it passed, slowly, agonizingly. He lay in his bed fully awake for much of the night. Why had she called? She'd been with someone else. Why had she called? To see how his reading was going. What should he have said? What could he have said? And the thought of her with another tore at him throughout the night. How could he be so senseless?

By dawn, he was standing on the edge of the highway that led from the town to the faraway ski hills. It was cold and snowy even here, but he was bundled warmly against the weather. It was an eight-hour trip by bus to the ski lodge. He had no idea how long it would take him to hitchhike there, or even if he could, but he would try because he had to be with her. He could no longer deny his feelings for her. If all she wanted with him was a purely platonic relationship, he could perhaps not be with her, but he must tell her all – that he loved her and wanted to be with her, and only her, for a lifetime.

He made it to the ski lodge, and she cried when she saw that he had come for her. She told him that after the phone call of the night before, she'd sent the other man away, because she couldn't bear to be with any one other than her true love. She'd only realized who that was and how she felt after she'd tried to be with someone else. They fell into one another's arms, and life would never be the same. And Gawd wanted a long and prosperous life for perhaps the first time in his own existence, for now he knew happiness.