I wish I could tell you that, among other things, I have stumbled upon the secret of existence in this universe. Sure. Even if I could relay the infinite wisdom of the cosmos in a few easily digestible bites, I'm not so sure it would make any ultimate difference in the end.
To backtrack a bit, let me say that I wrote some articles for Seeker in 1998 and then got sidetracked with other things. I consider myself a "seeker" at heart, but I go through phases…like anyone. It is one thing to read and intellectualize – all good and worthwhile – but another thing to practice and integrate new truths into our being. 1999 has been, for me, a time of integration, questions, and taking three steps forward and two steps back. I feel like I have grown sometimes and like I have reverted to my "old" ways on other occasions.
Books are valid and valuable. However, I have found that there is a gulf between reading and practice. It's all fine and dandy to glean some new insight from the printed page. I can't tell you how many times I thought I'd found THE BIG ANSWER in a book. It sure seemed simple enough at the time! Then, I ran headfirst into the complications of the world — Ouch!!
In my experience, growing doesn't happen in great leaps — it comes about in small steps. Too small and too slow for my liking — but, hey, progress is progress. When I think about the last few years, I can see that I have made some improvements to my consciousness and my state of being. It isn't what I'd call nirvana or the end of the road — but, you know what? I've concluded that there ISN'T an end of the road at all! As infinite beings, we have unlimited potential to expand and to become more and more. It is a process.
In this fast "get it all now" society that I live in, the steps to spiritual growth are not anything like fast food or other forms of instant gratification. Still, each day can bring consistent rewards with some persistence and patience. I've had such days. I have also had days where it all went out the window. Chalk it up to life and living. So much happens and within the swirling of events, there is always stuff that needs to be sorted out. I call it the human experience and par for the course. Roll with it. We each have to play the hand that is dealt us. If we were all perfect (in our own estimation), we wouldn't feel the need to be seeking anything, would we?
As to WHERE we do our seeking, it seems to me that each of us has a special arena to explore. For me, it is music. For others, it might be nature or social work. Maybe sports and competition. Some find a religious doctrine and dive into it. Point is, it doesn't much matter. There is action, and there is the philosophy or understanding behind the action. It takes BOTH to make steps. It can't be done in an ivory tower.
Last year, I discovered the Conversations With God book series by Neale Donald Walsch. For me, these works are the summation of life and truth on this planet at this time. I devoured these books, and I felt like I was propelled light years toward a new consciousness. They really helped me in my time of need. I found, however, that after a while, my grasp of many of the concepts that had initially knocked me out were hard to retain and difficult to put into practice on a day in—day out basis. After "seeing the light," I still had to come back to my old baggage. Baggage, I've found, is easier to accumulate than it is to shed! To make a long story short, let it suffice to say that I've fallen flat on my face many times — even though I was armed with the truth and should have known better.
I suppose it is possible, but I've never seen anyone cross the abyss in one quick step. Again, it is a process. Once begun, it has no end. I know of no person who has attained 100% satisfaction in life. Even the wise ones, who write many of the books we treasure, admit to having feelings of not measuring up to their highest expectations of self. I don't think we should beat ourselves up when we fail to rise to our self-imposed standards of perfection. On the other hand, if we are seekers, we shouldn't settle for mediocrity either.
My point is this: there will be a time when we think we've seen the light, only to soon find another tunnel of darkness following it. This is how it goes, more often than not. Fear not — because another shot of truth is all it takes to begin to see the light again. Maybe it is just me, but it seems like this is how the game in this universe is rigged. I've become used to it by now. I imagine most of us have. As long as we can find the truth and attempt to practice what we've learned, we can grow. Eventually, this stuff starts to stick and changes come about. No, it isn't an overnight thing—it evolves over time.
There are really only two paths. One can choose the path of truth or the path that forsakes and ignores the truth. I suppose that even the latter eventually winds its way to truth. I've seen people dive into the darkest waters and emerge with incredible strength—though I wouldn't take that path. It seems to me that most people who start down the path of truth keep coming back to it. We forget and we remember. As we go, we start to remember more and more.
So, my friends—enjoy the process. Delight in the discovery of a new-found piece of wisdom. Share what you learn. Savor the beauty of the truth. When it slips away, however, don't panic. Those ruts and valleys happen for a reason. Each is a test and a learning experience. Take from them what you have learned and carry on. Life, living and growing is as endless as the universe we reside in. God bless.