The Banquet

God has decided to cater a spiritual banquet for all God's children and is convening an organizational meeting of the celestial staff to go over menu, presentation, entertainment and logistics:

All right, everybody, let's get started. As you know, I'm giving the kids a banquet. The tough part of this job is going to be providing enough variety of spiritual foods so that each of them can find something tasty for the soul. I'm thinking buffet - that way we won't have to pull any angels off guardian duty to do table service. We'll need to provide some specialty dishes - kosher milk and honey and manna for the Jews, a big basket of clean thoughts for the Christian Scientists, guilt sauce for the Catholics, that kind of thing - but I'm sure the heavenly kitchen can handle that OK.

This is a mixed group, people. Some of them will want to sample a little of everything - the Unitarians, for example. Some of the kids will be looking for special attention. The Moslems will be expecting dancing girls and plenty of spirits, since we're holding the event up here. My idea is to assign two or three angels exclusively to them and seat them in a separate section - no arguments escalating into holy wars, that way.

The kids will arrive at different times - the event is scheduled for eternal Saturday next millennium week, by the way - so we'll need to make sure we keep the buffet supplied. The Calvinists will get there early and probably be the last to leave, but they'll be expecting a written menu with all ingredients listed, a dress code, and strict seating controls. They'll have their own section, like the Moslems, but we'll need to make sure their chairs are hard and the tables are plain - no fancy linens or centerpieces! The Baptists and Methodists will need to be seated near the Calvinists - all you angels on buffet duty, make sure you steer them away from the Moslem punch! Now, the Zoroastrians are going to expect My counterpart to be there, but that would scare hell out of the Calvinists, so the cherubim will take Z's on a guided tour of the nether regions. If any Satanists should show up by accident, just direct them to the Cherubim - they can join the tour group.

When the Easterners arrive we'll need to set out lots of small bowls and make sure the Nirvana platter is constantly replenished. The Taoists will want to sit on the floor. The Hindus and Buddhists will probably meditate between trips to the buffet, so some of you angels will need to keep an eye on them - Ecstatic Evangelicals might step on somebody as they dance around the buffet. Make sure there's plenty of room for the Dervishes, too.

The atheists and agnostics are invited - most of them will come just to watch everybody else eat. Don't expect them to notice you - they may not even find the buffet table. Just be ready to resuscitate any of them who discover you're there and pass out from shock.

I know all of you are thinking about being short-staffed for this event. I've taken care of that by recruiting a group of transpersonal psychologists as host/hostess staff. They're experienced with this kind of mixed crowd and love to talk, so they'll be ideal. They can help out on buffet duty, too. Most of them have already sampled everything on the menu.

The most important thing to remember is We want the kids to have GOOD TIME! If we get some heated discussions going on, don't get nervous - the Heavenly Battalion will be on duty and I'll cue the Heavenly Choir to start a nice, loud anthem of joy the minute I see anything getting out of hand. We can always get the Mormons to do a fill-in act - their choir is pretty good, too. If you can steer the Wiccans to a seating area as far from the Calvinists as possible, that will help a lot.

We don't have any speakers scheduled, but the Pentecostals will probably do that impromptu. As long as they're not standing on the buffet tables when the spirit moves them, don't worry about it. I'll take care of the Jehovah's Witnesses - they're having a private dinner in the hall - I'm giving them a walking tour of the Many Mansions. That'll keep them busy with plenty of doorbells to ring. I want everybody to start thinking about suggestions for the Pantheists. They're not going to be happy with just Me, so I'm open to any ideas you angels have.

We may have some minor problems with the clergy. A lot of them will want to add or delete menu items or take over the seating arrangements. You'll just have to deal with them firmly but gently. Refer any real troublemakers to the Archangels - they'll handle it. The shamans and Medicine Men will bring their totem beasts with them so the Archangels will have some extra backup. We can always count on the Quakers for peaceful vibrations, and, if we can get the Amish and Mennonites to mingle with the other kids this time, that will help.

Now, people, if anybody has any questions or suggestions, this is the time. I know it would be a lot easier for all of you if I hadn't given the kids free will, but uniformity is pretty boring. Family get-togethers like this always involve some glitches - kids will be kids! Just keep in mind that there's plenty for everybody and everyone is welcome. I love all of them, bless them, and they will grow up eventually. We'll have a wonderful time and so will they if we don't expect them to be anything but children.

The Recording Angel has the guest list, and the Seraphim are delivering the invitations, so that about covers My agenda for this meeting. I know you'll all do your part to make this a celestial success. There will be a special meeting this eternal Friday for Saints and Prophets in residence to discuss the miraculous fireworks display. Any angels who wish to attend should speak to St. Peter - he'll be chairing the meeting. See Me anytime with questions, suggestions, or problems - I'll be everywhere, as usual. That's it for now - My will be done. Let's get to work!