While visiting with family this year a funny thing happened. I was sitting next to my mother and sister who were involved in a game of cribbage. I was relaxing, not doing anything at all. I just watched other people going on around me and thought about things. This is not unusual behavior for me, I will often sit for long periods of time just lost in the world of my mind, whether I am around people or not. I find it refreshing when the mind works well, and the thought processes do not break down for various reasons, of which there can be many.
Perhaps lost is not the most appropriate word. I do not retreat into my mind from the world and then proceed to forget who I am and where I am going, although that does sometimes happen of course. I have yet to find a comprehensive road map on such journeys so it is a lot of trial and error. As one of my many teachers has proclaimed to me, `Practice, practice, practice.' I endeavor to do so.
As I was sitting there thinking a young daughter of an in-law who was watching me posed a startling question.
"Why don't you talk?" she asked.
I was heartily surprised at first, I am not used to people asking me such questions. Normally it is the other way around. I thought about it for a bit and then told her that I didn't have anything to say. Whether that answer satisfied her I am not sure, for she was distracted and went to do something else. I was left thinking about this for a while.
The first thing that came to mind was a quote from a Lakota Chief, Standing Bear;
"Excessive manners were put down as insincere, and the constant talker was considered rude and thoughtless. Conversation was never begun at once, nor in a hurried manner. No one was quick with a question, no matter how important, and no one was pressed for an answer. A pause giving time for thought was the truly courteous way of beginning and conducting a conversation. Silence was meaningful with the Lakota.... Also in the midst of sorrow, sickness, and death, or misfortune of any kind, and in the presence of the notable and great, silence was the mark of respect. More powerful than words was silence with the Lakota...."(I found this quote in a book named The Winged Serpent, by Margot Astrow)
After that I began thinking further about silence and why I remained silent more often then I spoke. There are some people who are a fountain of words and hardly pause to breathe as they roll on and on. I am far from that. When given the choice between making a comment and holding my tongue, more often then not I will keep my opinions to myself.
In regard to lighter levels, what I call `small talk', I remain silent because I don't want to bother with it. Small talk can be good sometimes, but for the most part it is dull. When small talk is an ice-breaker, paving the way to more topics, it is good. When it is there only to satisfy the rules of social decency I'd rather not bother. If energy isn't going to be put into the conversation for the sharing of knowledge then why bother?
The other night I was having a good conversation with a friend about what he was doing, what he wanted to be doing and how to go about it. Then another person came over because he thought we were having a good conversation, but the energy he brought was not generating as much as it was draining. Both myself and my friend had been putting energy into the conversation, this third person wasn't. So my friend withdrew his and then I withdrew mine. The third fellow asked what happened to the conversation because it had looked interesting. I told him that there was no energy being put into it, that we had been doing so to keep it going and now no one was.
The deeper conversations are different, I like to participate in those. But they require a bit more thought about the subject, and that can cause problems. Even if I `know' something in my perception of it, I can't always adequately communicate it to others. When I try to explain my point of view to others I don't always see the light of understanding dawning in their eyes. Especially when I try to explain feelings. I have yet to get a humoring, somewhat condescending smile though and I am thankful for that.
When I think about how difficult it is to fully communicate concepts to people I remember that words are not as powerful as I wish they were. Words are just keys I attach to things in order for me to remember them better. They are useful for oneself. However, when one comes to exchanging words with others one must realize that these others may attach said keys to very different things. This can cause quite a bit of misunderstanding. If you are small talking about the weather, no problem. If you are resolving problems, it could be quite another story. Because of this fact I don't haul off and start talking to just anyone about my concepts of God, the Universe and Morality.
Unfortunately, those are things that I really enjoy thinking about. Mostly because they are, in a way, answer-less. It's like trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle of the world, on a 1:1 scale. Not something that you finish in an afternoon and then go to get some ice cream.
And if you can then why the hell don't you help the rest of us out, we'll buy you the ice cream...
Silence can be a very powerful thing. If nothing else it gives people an opportunity to look at themselves. One of my favorite tricks is when someone asks me if what they did was right, or some other such question. I just ask them right back and then stare at them for a few seconds. When I'm feeling really warped I just stare at them with the best piercing gaze I can find and say nothing at all. Abrupt silence can be quite a jump start for a timid mind. I find it a refreshing change to `small talk'.
I am reminded of another quote about silence, unfortunately I don't remember where it is from;
"Under all speech that is good for anything there lies a silence that is better. Silence is deep as Eternity; speech is shallow as Time."I'd much rather know the depths of Eternity then wade in the structure of Time.